Mr. Marshmallow 
Some friends have recently asked me if I have truly left the past behind. Do I still see myself the same way I did at the lowest times in my life - fat, ugly, worthless? These are interesting questions and I started to wonder.
I still avoid mirrors for fear of seeing the fat kid now grown into an ugly monster. I pass them by and avert my gaze for fear of what I might see. Every once in a while I will catch a glimpse in the mirror and see a handsome face looking back, and the stranger strikes me. It is a face that makes me nervous. It feels . . . wrong. Somewhere in the bowels of my history, I have equated self-love with being a negative quality. Have I avoided the gaze for so long I do not know who I am?
When I was younger, in college, I was working on a paper for a class: Women in American Literature. I loved the class, and found myself wanting to make a strong impression on the professor - a gloriously profane African -American woman with buzzed cut hair and a sense of style that only a few could pull off. She embraced the aspect of herself I despised in myself. It was my scarlet mark, destined to brand me for life with shame and regret. But she used her girth to empower, make her strong and imposing.
I was up very late working on the paper, sitting at my desk with only a bright desk lamp for light. But as I sat writing, I fell asleep leaning on my left hand, my right eye, although closed, near the lamp. After a brief but deep sleep, I woke up and pulled my arm away from my eye. I could not see out of my right eye - the one resting near the lamp.
I pictured my paralyzed left side, arm dangling uselessly. It had merely fallen asleep, but I was convinced I was a premature stroke victim. I imagined how I would summon help. Perhaps if I threw my body off the chair, the thump of something that size hitting the floor would wake the downstairs neighbor and they would send help. I could drag myself across the floor of my room in an attempt to rouse my roommates. How long would I be trapped? I would starve before anyone came. A momentary thought of stashed Three Musketeers bars in my desk drawer brought a short sense of comfort.
When logic and reason settled back in, I felt foolish. Not because I thought I had a stroke, but because a part of me was disappointed I hadn't. Ultimately, I realized that if I had died at my desk, and when the coroner came to survey the scene, no one would have been surprised. An obese man, dead at 22, a stash of candy bars beneath his corpse.
What stuck with me out of this experience was that my professor probably never had a moment like that. She would never ponder her death, creating elaborate stories of her demise, all rooted in her poor eating habits and unhealthy lifestyle. She would be too busy living out loud, exciting a hunger for Toni Morrison and Maya Angelou in her students.
I am nearly one hundred pounds lighter than I was then and yet, when I look in the mirror I can see the face of my fat alter ego lurking in the shadows, a Three Musketeers bar in hand. I want to say that I learned how to live proudly like my professor, exuberant of who I was and embracing every part of me. But that feels indulgent and sinful and it is just so much easier to side with the fat lurker and dig in his pockets for another candy bar.
What do you see when you look in the mirror? How does it make you feel?
Comments (17)
People say I'm kind of skinny when they see me..
But I look in the mirror and I'm definitely not seeing it.
At least Musketeers are less fat than most candy bars. :)
Totally agree with TakingxOverxMe. I've been told that a lot of guys believe that I'm too skinny, even though I'm naturally this weight.
When I look in the mirror, I see such a lack of what I want to see. Too much fat here or there. Could be a little more toned here and everywhere.
But I've been working on it. Maybe once or twice in the past year, out of the corner of my eye, I've glanced at the mirror and seen myself as the thin, pretty girl that people tell me I am.
That gives me hope that someday I will be able to see myself full on in the mirror with confidence without a criticism in mind.
I just see the vague shape of my face. I try not to look deeper than that. It tends to drive me insane if I do.xx
It all depends on my mood. The better I feel [emotionally, physically, what have you] the better I think I look. I'm not a size two, but not a size twenty-two. I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I don't need emergency weight loss surgery.
I think every woman has certain areas of her body that she wishes she could change, even when others agree it's perfect. I'm mostly T&A, which some people see as a "good" thing, and others immediately yield as a "bad" thing.
For me, as long as keep a positive outlook on daily life, I never really see a huge problem with myself, weight or otherwise. Also, I don't feel the need to listen to women bitch about other women who are "too fat" or "anorexic" in their eyes.
Honestly, I try to avoid looking in mirrors too long because I start to see flaws that may or may not be there. People say I am thin, but I see someone who is fat.
I'm echoing what most have said here. I'm "normal" for my height, but definitely not thin/skinny. Sometimes I can look in the mirror and be happy, but often if I look to long I just go the rest of my day with that ugly picture in my mind. So I try to just look as quickly as possible, make sure I don't look like a slob... then move on.Â
I despise looking in the mirror.
kudos to you. gna totally agree with this. \m/
I think I am pretty and people tell me so. I use to be unaware of my prettiness for a long time and always thought myself as an ugly duckling, until I dated a guy who only dates really pretty girls (kind of like a trophy girlfriend). I still wasn't that aware of it at that time but looking back, I think that is one fact that's gotta prove me wrong if I still believe that I am so-so looking or even ugly.
But being pretty is no longer that important to me (it use to be). Youth eventually disappears and what makes a person attractive is less and less the outside and more and more the inside. I am 25 this year, and it would be pathetic if I'm competing with 19 year olds on beauty, because I would never be as youthful ever again.
When I look into the mirror I see a beautiful, confident, self-assured 25 year old young woman, who is ready to step into a marriage with an amazing man and ready to become a mother in a few years time. I see someone who has yet so much to learn about life, success, ups and downs, but is getting more and more mature to take on the challenges and to live life to the fullest.
I read the comments to this and was absolutely floored.
That women who *are* thin see "fat" when they look in the mirror is repulsive to me. As one woman medically categorized as obese, but still capable of saying, "damn, I look good" every once in a while, it makes me sad.
It gives me little hope for when I actually lose those 30 pounds that make me upset. Please, please, please, ladies. Feel good about yourselves. You *do* deserve it.
I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I feel depressed when I do. I have a distorted body image of myself.
Kudos to you for changing the weight. Sometimes it's harder to change the heart, though. It'll take time for you to get used to your new self.
I try not to look in the mirror that much, because I'm incredibly critical of myself. I know I need to lose weight, and I'm working on it, but I tend to be pretty unforgiving.
i hate looking in mirrors, but its all i ever seem to do. i see a fatty with too much extra skin (from excessive weight gain/loss over the years). i wear a size 14 and that's huge to me. people tell me i'm not fat, but they also told me i wasn't fat when i weighed 280 lbs. mirrors are a terrible invention.
I look in the mirror and see things I wish weren't there.
I always seen myself as basically ugly, fat and minging. which is still true even when my friend Nathen & Liam & Rob & others who were friends first asked me out i believed that they only liked me because of my personality and not my looks. As i still see myself as fat and ugly but not totally minging because if i was a bad as i said i have come to realise personality just wouldn't be enough and then when more people came along who didint know my personality only knew my face said they fancied me and something clicked in my head i realised if i was ugly why would there be 4 or 5 lads who like me for my looks first and personality second. but looking into the mirror i can bearly look at my face until my make-ups on and then i can see that im not minging just not that pretty just floating on normal which is i suppose i can live with but then the reason for my need to lose weight so i can feel better in myself in the way that yes im not overlly pretty but im not overlly fat im just normal and happier in myself