Mr. Marshmallow When I was 18 years old, I swallowed a near-full bottle of aspirin in an attempt to kill myself. I have the rest of that afternoon blocked from memory. It isn't that I don't remember, it's that I choose to bury it so that the shame and pain of the moment doesn't overwhelm me. It is an event that I don’t speak of. Suicide is quintessentially the most selfish act one can commit. My attempt destroyed a friendship and left me wallowing in a sea of confusion.
At the time, moving back home and attending community college felt like I had encased myself in a tomb of regret. The choice, as I have been able to discern many years later, was necessary and a blessing.
Back then, I didn't see it that way and I started down a path of self-destruction. I gained a tremendous amount of weight and all but slammed the door on exercise and healthy eating. I worked, I occasionally went to school and I spent several years living in a cyclone where depression, self-loathing, and fear seduced me into a darkness I created for myself. A darkness drenched in rivers of soda and buttered popcorn. My meals were consumed at all hours of the night.
This was the lowest time in my life. I was a violin player and an iceberg away from being the greatest tragedy of the past century. I get bitter and frustrated when I think of the cesspool I had made of my life. To the world, I was a fat kid working his way through college. It was my mosaic, and I was laying the pieces in a methodical pattern that I would encounter over and over again at various points of my struggles with addiction, depression, and body dysmorphia.
But now I am proud of my accomplishments. I spent my school years in writing workshops and literature discussions. I worked my way up a convoluted professional ladder, meeting amazing friends and colleagues along the way. And I stepped into an unexpected career, completely outside of the literary one I had envisioned, to become a human resources professional. Age does bring wisdom. Clichéd and overused, but true. Age does not temper regret, nor does it allow me to forget the pain of being the fat kid who sold movie tickets to work his way through school.
Have you or someone you know ever thought about suicide? What were their or your reasons for suicidal thoughts?
Comments (19)
I had tried suicide because I was physically abused and raped. I didn't believe that life had anything to offer. And I blamed myself for what happened and believed that it was going to happen all over again down the line of my life.
Yes, I have. The only reason I haven't is because of my family. If not for them, I don't think I'd be alive today. No comment on whether I tried.
i tried to kill myself twice before, several years back. i no longer have thoughts of suicide, although i do seem to have replaced one dangerous mental problem with another...
Thank you for sharing this...I know how hard it can be to talk about traumatizing things that happened.
When I was surprisingly, much, much younger, I was in a very bad place at my home life and felt I had nowhere else to turn....I tried to overdose on ibuprofin as well, but chickened out halfway through and chose a slower, but almost equally destructive path, excessive drug use, drinking, and starving myself. For me, it was just the fact that I absolutely hated my life and had no other way out. Through the help of a few amazing friends I managed to pull out of it. Support and love from my family and friends is pretty much the only thing that saved me.
Wow this blog hit me so hard. I can think of an example, but as of right now. I don't exactly want to mention it. I hope he is overcoming the past.
I've had suicidal thoughts, and I have attempted it multiple times. I am not ashamed, but I am not proud either. I took a whole bottle of Robitussin one time, and 30 or so anti-depressants. I wasn't sure what it would do,but I just wanted to hurt. I didn't throw up, amazingly, but my head felt like a million pound block of lead. No one ever knew what I did that day, and I still don't talk about it.
I never really thought suicide was selfish. Its not other peoples job to get in the way of what one person feels is right. Even if they are wrong, it is indeed his or her life. Suicide is a sad sad thing, but its not selfish. Isn't it more selfish for loved ones to want to force their (insert noun of choice here) to live in a world that he or she despises and cannot cope with? Plenty of people say "how could X leave ME behind". Has anyone actually ever thought something other than that when it comes to suicide?
Yes, I have.
I had been abused by my parents and raped by an ex-boyfriend.
I think sedentary is a leap. Depression is closer. Sedentary can lead to depression. Isolation is also a big factor, feelings of worthlessness, too.
I don't know if this makes any better but I always thought it would be cool to work in a movie theater. I never got the job. Hmrph.
Wow, that suicidal depression stages sounds like my life...I just go to school, sit at home all weekend and sleep and then go back to school again. I eat unhealthy first because I don't really care. I figure if life sucks I might as well at least have foods I can enjoy...why torture myself further, I don't even clean (my room is small and so well...when the mess builds it looks like a closet)...I can barely see my floor. I have no energy to clean anyways as I'm usually sleep. I recently moved to VA to start my ph.d....it was a good move because I wanted this since I was little...bad move because 8-9 hours away from my family and my bf has made my depression much worse (as if it could get any worse)...even with meds I still feel low and depressed about 90% of the time...probably more....
I threatened suicide a few years ago...I was on the phone with my mom...she told me to call the psych I was seeing...then told me to do something else I can't remember...all of a sudden before I can think about swallowing all my anti-depressants, I notice there are cops at my door...then I end up spending a week in the hospital...I hated it but actually wanted to stay because I got away from the world. I'd actually drive this psych hospital near my old house and felt like I should just admit myself....that's how bad it was. I just pray and do meditation exercises now and it helps a lot when I'm feeling really down...haven't been in the hospital since but still battling the dark cloud that looms everyday.
I guess I'm getting better...but still suffer from depression and dystemia...all chemical imbalances that I've been on so many different meds and seen so many different therapists it's ridiculous and I've stopped counting. Recently, I'm getting switched to a new med and coming off the old one so that's really weighing me down...hard to even think about not being depressed, when your taking less medication and trying to not be so discouraged about all the failed attempts to get better.
I'm glad you were able to work through yours and I wish you much success in the future.
Tried that unsucessfully once because of the pressure I was under going. Recently I was close to doing it again until a friend who tried to talk me out of it. Sadly, his approach on this issue could have an adverse effect because it just nudges me to do it. I knew he meant well but its the approach which was wrong. Still thinks of this person as a friend even though we hardly talk. For the time being, I changed my mind because of recent events which happened. No more tears coz the eye duct is 'dry'. Feelings are numb too.
I believe that if one truly wants to take their own life, they will not leave any clues. They just do it. Unless, of course, they desperately need someone to save them.
I believe that we all have our reasons for it, I don't think it's a smart or dumb thing to do because each of us lead our own lives. None can truly understand what the other feels or going through. Sympathy are for beggars!
Yeah, I tried suicide. And you just made a mockery of it.
What does ANYTHING you said in this post have to do with your title?This girl that I know wanted to. She would hardly go to school because all the other kids would make fun of her because she was well....fat.
Thats really all I can say about it minus the fact that suicide is caused by so many differnt factors these days. I do agree that it is a cheap way out. Its almost like saying you dont apprieciate what you have been given.
It's true the link between sedentary life style and depression/suicide. I'm so glad I discovered ways to pick myself up. Eating well and healthy along with exercise helps greatly, along with good friends and family... and faith in something... religion or philosophy.
I have bipolar II so suicide has always been on my mind, wishing I were dead, however I would never attempt suicide because of the pain it would put my parents through...and I'm scared that 'll go to hell. In a way I think suicide is selfish because the person who has those problems needs to get help. I got help. So why can't another person? However, it's that despair that won't go away and you just want it to end, and there's no way to end it except ridding yourself. Anyway, I'm glad you got better. :)
The only reason I've ever really considered suicide is feeling trapped in my body.. I hate it, there's no two ways about it. It's not really my weight; it's the size of my boobs, the back problems, the foot problem, lactose intolerance... all these physical problems that I really can't get fixed, at least any time soon. I feel trapped sometimes and it makes me wonder if it wouldn't be better if I died and started again in another body.
But I realize I'm not always miserable. Just sometimes, when I focus on all the things wrong with my body, or I'm in pain from my back or my foot... it's easy to lose my objectivity about life. But it's also easy for me to bring that back.
Especially after a friend of mine died, not by suicide but in a car accident, and my mom was having a hard time with it just like my brother, me, and all of our friends.. She said she couldn't imagine how she would be if one of her kids died. I don't intend on ruining her life, even if mine feels like a cage and sucks.
Unless I somehow managed to make my family and friends hate me, I would never attempt or commit suicide..
It's sad for me to say this, but it was almost a phase that my friends (and I) went through in high school. It was serious enough that we had concern for them, but then again we just blew it off saying, "we knew it would happen." Reasons ranged from breaking up with someone, parents, stress of life. But the one person that had a legitimate reason, was my ex-best friend. He was gay and felt that he couldn't live his life like that. I thought that once I coaxed him out of that, it was the last I'd hear of it. Well, as the years passed it only got worse. Once he got his car, he was reckless beyond belief. He once told me that he wished he could have drove into a tree. I mean he didn't have the greatest life situation but I don't think it's an excuse. As everyone knows, it's an selfish act, but he didn't care. His reasons stemmed from his sexuality, but it was amplified after he told his mom. The ridicule got worse and it was starting to get to him, so he felt it was his only outlet. I'm not sure how he's doing now, but I hope those thoughts are gone now.
I agree that a sedentary lifestyle can lead to suicide. I am glad that you have become a better person and moved beyond this period in your life.
i feel tired so i want to die.
Reason #1: fear and thinking that life won't get better - no one out there for me, the fear that the special someone won't love me back when I fall for him - no friends, no family support, useless professional help told me to get a boyfriend and that there is someone for everyone