Wednesday, 19 November 2008

  • Diet, Weight Loss and Thin is In but When Will Happiness Catch Up?

    Mr. Marshmallow

    I have been thin and I have been happy, but to quote the inimitable Harvey Fierstein, never the twain have met. At my thinnest, when I was wearing my sassy size 32 jeans, I was a hot little number. I would go clubbing for hours, several days a week, with my "hag" Jennie right there beside me.

    I made my way through Los Angeles then San Francisco, and became addicted to the attention my newly sculpted physique afforded me. I was thin and I was happy. At least that's what I told myself. Waking up in a stranger's bed and making the walk of shame each Sunday morning was sheer bliss. But the trouble is, every Sunday morning I was alone with a strong cup of coffee and self-loathing, only my partners walking with me back to my car.

    It is no way to live. The anonymous sex, the clubbing, the sea of pretty people all clamoring to be near the next hot screw. More addicting than cocaine and faster acting than crystal meth, I was flying on a crash course for a very early death. I knew it, too. I suffer from a deplorable case of rational thought and a brain that actually thinks and has a moral compass.

    But what is the difference between endless nights of partying - addicted to the attention, the feeling of being thin and pretty - and sitting behind a computer, locked in a bedroom, eating myself to death? The weapons were different, but their goal was the same.

    I am not at my thinnest weight, but I am sitting 100 pounds lighter than I was 6 years ago. I have had an abdominoplasty to remove excess skin and tighten the muscle around my abdomen. I am like a huge lump of clay that I try to mold into the ideal shape, but every time I think I am getting close to where it is I think I want to be, I spill more clay on the project, or sculpt something erroneously.

    Were this a story or poem, I could chalk up the rewrites to "perfecting my art." But on my body, I have trouble using the word perfect to describe anything. My partner gets mad when I put myself down, and has trouble understanding how I can think so negatively about myself. He sees me as perfect and beautiful, and he tells me this regularly. No matter how close my dear husband's voice is in my ear whispering how he sees me, all I can do is think about what the scale says, and I feel like that number is the Great Seducer, wooing me to a relationship where self loathing and addiction act as shackle and muzzle.

    Do you think happiness will ever catch up with trying to be thin?  Have you ever found yourself ignoring the words of a loved one, because the number on the scale has higher priority?

     

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Comments (18)

  • peacelove__CALLIE@xanga

    Why does everyone seem to think that being thin means this exactly? Seems like a lot of people believe whole heartedly that being thin means that you are not really happy, but dying inside. That isn't true and it never will be true. Just because you chose to go and sleep around, doesn't mean that all thin people do or that all people who aspire to be thin want to. 
  • dryvona@xanga

    I was always one of the two who ran to fat in a group of cousins about the same age. While everyone admired some of the skinny girls, and shook their head over the heaviest girl - and me, I never did "get it".


    I still look at the skinniest "girls" in the same group and wonder why they do that to themselves. There is only one who looks healthy at her lean weight. The other 4, not so much. 


    Then again, I never found racking up a bunch of men willing to screw to be a morale booster. I'm self centered. What can I say? It's all about me. I feel good with some extra around the middle, and I don't like the look of bony shoulders, clavicles and ribs poking out everywhere, - and bony hips? Yikes, what could be uglier?


    So, be happy. Be blessed in the abundance we have available. Be responsible, and most of all, be loved. Let someone else play living surrreal sculpture. Most people only look that way naturally between ages 11 and 21 or so, as far as I can see.
  • Erin1022@xanga

    I think happiness is never found in how we look because ultimately our happiness should come from who we are. 
  • TakingxOverxMe@xanga

    @Erin1022@xanga - Exactly.
  • Annalyn04@xanga

    This is beautifully written. Beautifully.

    And I completely identify. I can't seem to be happy no matter what the scale says. I'll let you know if I ever find the answer.

  • Erika_Steele@xanga

    thin does not equal happiness and if you find yourself so obsessed with pursuing thiness that nothing else matters, you have a problem.
  • Pterota@xanga

    I am not what someone would consider thin.  I'm short and built with a small frame, so the 130 pounds that I am actually looks kind of "pudgy," as it has been so endearingly termed many times.  But you know what...I have curves, and I get more compliments and attention from guys than any of my "skinny" friends ever have.  I have friends that are also on the more chunky side, but believe themselves to be beautiful.  And they are!  It's all in the confidence.  Even large people can be beautiful.  If you're happy with yourself, it shows on the outside, and THAT'S what attracts people.  Happiness is a matter of perception.  Love yourself, and the rest will follow.


    I am way too cynical to keep up this kind of talk for too long, so enjoy it while it lasts!  ha ha
  • lil_dragonfly88@xanga

    As someone who struggles with an eating disorder and has learned quite a bit about EDs, I STRONGLY encourage you to seek therapy.  If you are getting this obsessed with that number on the scale and with your physique, then you need to break that addiction.  Otherwise, you could very well slide down a very slippery, very dangerous slope that basically ends with tearing your body and your life apart.

    This sounds very ominous, but your mindset could be dangerous.  Besides, don't you want to feel more fulfilled by your life, instead of basing everything on the scale?
  • YouTOme@xanga

    well, i've known what it was like to be thin, overweight and then thin again. now, I'm finally happy, but not because of how I look, but because Jesus gives me joy and helps me to appreciate all that He's given me. 
  • kmiahali

    i think happiness will never catch up because trying to be thin is an obsession for some people. 
  • nekkid@xanga

    men in general are shallow. they want the skinny girl with the perfect body. even when a girl is skinny and hot, there will be someone else that look better and causes her to think low of herself.

    i hate that the world is so fucken shallow
  • iluvharrypotter922@xanga

    love it. everything you speak is the truth.
  • pocket_mouse_poppet@xanga

    I think you may need help... I'd say 'burn your scale' but you appear to have a bit of an obsessive thing going on there, so it won't help much. The thing about any obsessive behaviour (yours included) is that it usually has some basis in not liking yourself. And no matter how close you get to having your ideal physique, you're still going to be unhappy.
    I hope you are able to sort it out.
    <3
  • charlieseros@xanga

    I used to feel that I was never thin enough. Now that I am living a healthy lifestyle and have a good body fat % number....I feel better. I am actually starting to like my body for how it looks. My eyes opened when a friend who is trying to lose 40 lbs. told me that I was her "idea of perfect". I had never stopped to think of how lucky I was to have the body I do....granted, I worked for it, but still a lot of people work out consistently and still struggle to keep the weight off.


    The key is- be grateful. Grateful for what you have. I think that has made a big difference in my life.
  • just_the_girl_anachronism@xanga

    I'm trying to transition out of that "eating myself into a whole and never leaving my house" habit. I would like to stop eating out of habit and depression and just get out there and do something with myself and maybe feel better about myself and how I look. That would be nice. :)
  • purifyingpurge@xanga

    True Joy will never come from an obsession such as that.
  • kiwi_greenie@xanga

    well if that;s a pic of u, seek no more. it looks HOT. and u seem to have a sound enough mind to have a healthy body!
    i would kill to be able to lay off the treats, but it usuallt works for 6 months and i'm back to being a chocolate-muncher again. the only reason my weight doesn;t fluctuate enormously when i'm on a munching rampage is cos i stay active. i;'d definitely recommend that. plus, excercise produces endorpnine which makes u happy!
  • anonymous

    I went through the same cycle as yourself.  I'm not sure why it happens.  I was overweight for years, I had grown up that way - feeling like I wasn't really a girl, or sometimes even a person because my preoccupation with how I looked isolated me.  Not to say I didn't talk to anyone but I just felt different to everyone else and all I wanted to be was attractive and thin and happy.  So with losing weight when I got older came a kind of happiness, an euphoric confidence boost after so many years thinking negatively and measuring my selfworth by my looks.


    When I got thin and hit the club scene I was promiscuous and while at the time I enjoyed myself, there were a lot of signs that I wasn't really happy with trading my negativity for my morals or reputation.  This is why so many, as have I, put weight back on.  They tend to idolise thinness so much that they think losing weight will make their life perfect.  At the end of the day though, you are still the same person and if you haven't learnt to value yourself as a heavier being it will be all the more easy for your new found slimness to be toppled at the first majorly stressful life obstacle. 


    That's just my opinion anyway.  Right now I have put weight back on but I have a partner who has never faltered in loving me and I've finally decided to try to accept myself and not diet ever again.  Trying to find a way out only makes you feel more trapped. 

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