Tuesday, 25 November 2008

• How Do You Hide The Muffin Top?

  Mr. Marshmallow
  
  I hate wearing clothes. This has nothing to do with any fetish I might have for running around naked. Quite the contrary, fashion and style for me have never been all that important, so I have never felt the need to keep up with the latest trends in menswear.

  I hate clothes because they serve as daily, and often hourly, reminders of just where my imperfections lie on my body. After a saucy night of ravishing a buffet table filled with fried, fatty, buttery, starchy goodness, the last thing I need is to put on a pair of pants, that when bent in just the right direction, cuts off the circulation to my nether region.
  

  My butt does not need any more reasons to fall asleep - I find enough excuses to avoid the gym as it is, I do not need my butt taking a siesta midday.
  

  I have always despised the reasoning I have for avoiding formal or dressy occasions. Jeans do a fairly good job of camouflage, but dress slacks or Dockers can make my ass look like it is covered in a long, khaki diaper. I have yet to put on a pair of pants with pleats - not because I hate pleats, but because on my ass, the pleats stretch out and all but disappear, leaving me looking like I have awkward cinch marks around my belt.

  Any discussion I have with regard to my clothing issues, though, would not be complete without the inevitable "muffin top" discussion. According to muffintop.org and Wikipedia :

  "Muffin-top is a generally pejorative, slang term used for a person whose flabby midsection spills over the waistline of his or her pants in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing.

  This generally occurs when an individual wears low-rise, hip-hugger pants, or midriff-baring tops that are too small."

  Several years ago, I had an abdominoplasty, which essentially tightened my abdominal muscles by cutting the stretched portion out and removing excess skin around the front of my abdomen. A procedure, by the way, that was so painful, I could not shit for almost a week and broke down in tears if I felt a sneeze or cough coming on.

  But I digress. This procedure left me with a relatively flat stomach. So the 30 pounds I have gained in the past 3 years (which I refer to as my Peet's Pounds) have all gone to my ass and an area some moron termed the "love handles." I would like to meet the sick fuck who actually loves them, because to me they serve as yet another point on my body that affects my Body Dysmorphia - a topic best saved for another day.

  And so, I am left with a "muffin top" that does not rely on the aforementioned "low-rise, hip-hugger pants" to rear its ugly head. Instead, I often times try on a pair of "loose fit" jeans (the line of jeans for people who like the baggy look, or me and my terminal fat ass) and still witness my muffin top spilling over its casing.

  After years of living this way, even when my waistline was slim and trim (aka the bulimia days), I still spend a good deal of time hiking my pants up so they cover those love handles. I am like a living, breathing tube of toothpaste with an obsessive compulsive freak squeezing and molding the tube into some semblance of a shapely form.

  This drives my partner crazy because I do this with pants, underwear, shorts, bathing suits, and even my pajama bottoms. He will promptly walk over, yank them down so they are sitting where they are supposed to be, around my hips, and then scream, "We paid good money for that flat stomach, stop covering it up!"

  As October creeps by, the weather is changing, getting cooler, and I am nearing my favorite time of the year - Winter. Thanksgiving, Christmas, holiday vacations; all of these have nothing to do with why this is my favorite time of the year. Cold weather means bundling up, and there is no better or more passionate bundler than me. I can put on the gorgeous Calvin Klein overcoat Mike bought me and strut around San Francisco looking stylish, knowing deep in my soul that, for at least the winter season, I have wrapped the muffin up safely and fashionably.

  Do you or someone you know have a "muffin top"?  How much does it bother you?
  

  
  

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