There have been occasions, writing this blog, where I've put up a post that I later regretted. And no, it probably isn't the ones you are thinking of. I do not regret any of the things I've written about my sexual assault or my eating disorders as I'm quite used to talking about those things in a public setting and they are so far in the past that I have enough distance to look at them critically. No, the ones that I sometimes regret are the ones that I haven't yet figured out a solution to. Those problems that are still, well, problematic - my post on compulsive overexercising, for example. This desire to not talk about our struggles until we're no longer struggling with them is a common one in our society which is unfortunate because it removes us from those who could be the greatest strength to us. All of which is my way of saying that I'm probably going to regret writing this but I'm so desperate to find a solution that my need for your help outweighs my embarrassment.
I have a problem with thinking bad thoughts. And I'm not talking about those of the naughty-George-Clooney-in-a-secluded-villa variety.
My Brain Is BrokenRed lights mean stop, green mean go but yellow lights? Well, for me apparently they mean freak out.
I blame my driver's ed teacher, a lovely little Frenchman who would scream "Faster you eeediot! No slower! Do not make the cows kiss! No kissing cows!" And then when I lost concentration on the road trying to translate "cows" into "cars" and then figure out what he meant by kissing, he'd redirect my attention to the road by screaming, "Ohsheetohsheetohsheetohsheet!" Thanks to him I refused to make a left turn without aid of a stoplight for a solid year after I got my license.
Anyhow, when I come to a yellow light, I panic. Do I slow down? Do I speed up? Do I jump out of my car and run a fire drill? This quandry has led me to make up a complicated list of conditions. For instance, if the light turns yellow after I've passed the start of the line to the left turn lane, then I speed up. But if it is an extra-long turn lane or the turn lane is missing then I'm forced to estimate where a "normal" left-turn lane would begin. Heaven help me if there is snow covering the lines. You get the idea.
So the other day, I came to a yellow light and did my little brake-gas-brake-ohsheetohsheetohsheet dance, finally slamming on my brakes and stopping right before it turned red. Embarassing? Yes. Catastrophic? No. And yet do you know what I said to myself in that moment? "You stupid, fat cow! How do you not know how to drive yet? You are fat and ugly and I hate you."
I know. A bit overkill for stopping short at a light, no? I would certainly never say anything like that to someone else. And I'm pretty sure nobody would speak that way to me.
But I speak to me that way. It gets worse. See, barring extreme injury of the doorknob-slammed-into-forehead (thank you Second Son!) variety, I don't curse out loud. But in my head, to myself, I throw in every awful word I can think of. And I punish myself brutally for the smallest infractions. Forget to start the dishwasher before I leave in the morning?
G-D Motherf'ing obese waste of flesh. Accidentally delete a voice message before listening to it?
You fat f'ing retard. Besides the sailor speak, the other strange thing you may have noticed is that the only epithet that makes it in every time is some permutation of "fat." And nothing stings worse than that little 3-letter word. I am so ashamed of this. See, it's not that I think other people's instrinsic worth is tied to their weight but for some reason I think mine is. Which is especially difficult because the other day I passed a weight mark that years ago I had designated my "I'd kill myself" weight. Meaning if I ever weighed more than that then I'd, well... I'm not going to kill myself. I've had enough therapy to realize that my life is more than a number on the scale. But I will admit it killed my self-worth. Ever since, I've been plagued with thoughts like "It doesn't matter what you do, as long you're this fat nothing you ever accomplish will be worth anything." and "You're a failure at living. It's food. If you could just stop eating like a pig you wouldn't be this hideous." and, worst of all, "Nobody will ever love you as long as you're this fat. You're ugly and stupid and they hate you. I hate you." And when I think it, I really do mean it.
As an experiment (of the lowercase "e" variety) one day, I decided to count how many times I berated myself. I stopped at 500. It was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. So believe me when I say it's chronic. Omnipresent.
It's got to stop. It's killing me. And, on a logical level, I know it's not true. I would punch the person who said such things about a friend! Yet, I'm the one throwing the jabs at myself. I'm abusing myself far worse than any bad boyfriend ever has. But I don't know how to stop it.
So I'm throwing this out there, to all of you. What do I do? Anyone else think bad thoughts? Is this just a type of mental OCD? Non-verbal Tourette's? Or is my brain really just broken?? Help!
This is a guest blog written by Charlotte Anderson, from thegreatfitnessexperiment.blogspot.com.
Comments (14)
Yeah, I sometimes fantasize of getting fat.
I do the EXACT same thing :(
i feel like this is something i could have written, it's so familiar. and i have never even realized that other people do the same thing, i thought i was just crazy or something!
i'm not sure if it is any kind of mental thing, considering i haven't ever heard of anyone doing this too.
but i would definitely love to hear what anyone else has to say about this! is it a common thing?
i do the SAME exact thing. i'm working on it, though. it's horrible. consuming all my thoughts. at least it's good to know that i am not alone, but still. it's a process. i will overcome it one day, though.
i think its normal for one to think bad thoughts since we tend to set unrealistic standards and apply them hard to ourselves.
I have bad thoguhts all the time, but I have learned to ignore the inner critic.
I've suffered from this for so long, and still do sometimes, but I am starting to get a handle on it.
I couldn't figure out what to do for the longest time. I felt like I suffered from panic issues (which fall under anxiety issues), depression, self-belittlement, etc.
I didn't know where to go or what to do, so this is the train of thought I adopted:
If I do something that is trivial, I compare it to the "bigger picture"; I look at it as if it's been years, and I am looking in retrospect, and if it seems like a big deal, I'll try to deal with it and look into it further, if it seems like in a year from now, or even a week I will have forgotten it -- out of my mind it goes! It's called not sweating the small stuff. It's hard to do, but once you realize it's effectiveness, it becomes much easier and much more relieving.
For instance: If I get a 'B' on a test instead of an 'A', it pisses me off greatly if I have studied hard. And I am so used to beating myself up over small things, so naturally this is an instance which triggers a deep self mental beating. But then I think to myself "What different is this B going to make on my overall grade? Not much. Is this B going to make or break my highschool career, my college career, whether I live or die in life? NOT AT ALL." So I let it go -- its the only thing to do.
Now this happens with very trivial things, semi-trivial things, and sometimes things that are fairly important, but I simply OVER stress about something that doesn't need quite that much attention.
For people like us, we feel guilty, ashamed, whatever about our bodies and subconsciously we are looking for every chance we get to be down on ourselves -- even for small mistakes that have nothing to do with the way we look. We need something to take our frustration on, so who better than ourselves?
For starters, it becomes habitual to cast trivial stresses aside (just like its habitual to obsess over them and blow them out of proportion) and thats the first step for temporary / momentary relief, but what needs to happen is to get to the root of the issues surrounding your body. If you can't seem to do this yourself, perhaps a psychologist would help (they're not for the crazy folks, I'm telling you. They're great aids in helping to dig out some of that conscious stuff that we can't seem to bring to the surface on our own)
Get in-tune with your rational side: Are you really a pig? Will someone neglect to love you? Are you really even "fat"?!
What some folks don't realize is that keeping the mind healthy is just as important -- if not more important -- than keeping the physical body healthy. Both work together and need one another. In fact, your physical body can absolutely be negatively effected if the mind is not kept in good shape, which is why it's important to try and be a more positive person, all around, which will ultimately help with stopping the self-hate.
If you ever want to talk or need help, feel free to message.
Blessings.
I think we all belittle, judge, and degrade ourselves and whether or not we do it spontaneously or annually, we all do it, it's on our nature, our culture, not only do we judge ourselves but others as well.
Sometimes when I catch myself doing something dumb, I will be like "WTF am I doing?! or "WTF is wrong with me?!" And I think it's the act of being embarrased in front of others when we mess up is why we beat ourselves up in the first place.
We all have funky things that we do and whether we will admit that or not we are all a little crazy inside and have our bad thoughts.
I do the same thing. I think a lot of people tend to do it on one level or another.
I do that on a regular basis, but worse my own self-abuse has often turned from mental berating (and occassionally vocal) to physically abusing myself...
Instead of counting, every time you catch yourself abusing yourself why don't you instead try correcting yourself. Ex. "Accidentally delete a voice message before listening to it? You fat f'ing retard." stop, back up, tell yourself that it's not a big deal and not only does your weight not have anything to do with deleting the message, but it also doesn't decide your self-worth. Tell yourself you are a good person and one mistake doesn't negate your self-worth
Haha now if only I could take my own advice to heart.
woah that shirt that the girl is wearing in the picture is cool!!!
the way it was designed says hate one way and reversed (in the mirror) it says love! whoever designed it it pretty genius!
not anymore
I just have to say that I LOVE the shirt in the picture!