(Editor's note: We left the post just as the user submitted with minor fixes) I'm sure everyone here on Xanga has experienced some level of depression or is experiencing it currently. And for those who haven't, or don't understand what it's like, I'm here to tell my story of how I reached my lowest of lows. And then pulled myself back up and became a better person.
When I first entered college, I knew I was going to struggle. I had purposely picked a college far from home where I knew absolutely NO ONE there. I wanted to start fresh, to find out who I was and become more confident. It probably didn't help that my first roommate was crazy. And I'm not just saying that. She craved attention and she used threats of suicide to get it. In fact, she'd been in a mental institution a few times for this problem. On top of that, the course work was super hard. And I had no friends to help me cope.
The first thing I knew I needed to do was get some semblance of a social life. I joined a few clubs and I joined a church. Part of the reason I joined the church was because I thought college would be the perfect opportunity for me to get closer to God and really understand my religion. I also thought that it would be a really great place to make friends. After all, they were God's people, they would be good friends, right?
I did make great friends. By the second semester of my freshman year, I was very happy. I moved out of my dorm where my crazy roommate was and moved in with one of my church friends down the hall. I was learning to deal with the course load... or so I thought.
Needless to say, I left my freshman year, a very happy person. Happy that I'd been successful and that I was on my way to achieving my goals that I'd set out for myself on my college journey.
I would have never expected, when I returned, that things would change so much. My course work got even harder. And all my friends left the church. I felt obligated, for some reason, to try and hold the place together. My pastor took advantage and piled more and more work on me. Voluntary work, of course. I called my mom frequently, just wanting to hear some comforting words. I'd felt like I'd lost all my friends, that I was completely buried in school work, and I had some obligation to try to hold the church together. The day my mom told me she didn't care about my problems, was the day I hit rock bottom.
So many times, I sat in my closet, crying. I remember sitting and trying to do homework, and get so overwhelmed by it that I just could do it, no matter how many times I told myself that as long as I just got it done, it would be fine, and then I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Just. Do. It.
It was a combination of feeling like I lost all my friends, and an extreme anxiety over school I think, that really got me down. I could never decide which was worse. Some days I would feel like, it's definitely school. School is worse. And then other days, it was, if only I had some friends, then school wouldn't be so bad.
The thing I did know, was that I was NOT ok. I thought I was just having a down week, I mean, we all have those, right? But it was not going away. And it wasn't like down weeks I'd ever had before. I couldn't stop crying, ever.
Needless to say, I went back to the school counselor. See, I'd been there in freshman year, just learning how to deal with course loads and a crazy roommate. It had helped, to just talk to someone. So I tried again.
I tried to do just the counseling. I did. Because I'd heard bad things about depression medication, and I didn't want to go on them unless absolutely necessary. I could not pull myself out with just counseling though. So, as a last resort, I turned to the depression medication. We tried first Lexapro. I wish we'd never done that.
If I thought I was low before. I didn't know what it was like until I got on Lexapro. If I was ever going to get close to suicide, it would have been there. Not only were the side effects awful, it actually made my depression WORSE.
So, we got off that and tried Effexor. And that... made me feel... Eh. Just eh. The side effects were even worse than those of Lexapro. Horrible night sweats, complete loss of appetite. I never wanted to eat ANYTHING. Ever. And if I forgot to take it? Well consider me useless the next day... because I would feel like I was getting electric shocks through my entire body every time I moved.
It was while I was on the Effexor that I decided I needed to drop the church. One day, I just decided, if the place falls apart with out me... so what. Every time I go to church, I just feel worse because it's not the same anymore and I can't handle it. And that's not what church is supposed to be about. Church SHOULD be making me feel better. So I stopped going, and I started to feel better, even if it was because I suddenly had that much more time to do homework. And I had finally let go of my old friends. I said to myself, "you've started over with friends once, you can do it again. Just try a different tactic." So I joined another club. I started hanging out with my roommates when they had movie nights more. Things were starting to look up. A little bit.
But, things weren't normal. I still had my moments where I would just crash and burn. Finally, my counselor told me there was nothing more she could do for me and sent me to a real psychiatrist. There, we tried Zoloft. And suddenly, things started to take a turn around. Dare I say it, I felt normal. Normal.
It took a WHOLE year for me to get back to normal. No, better than normal. I came out a much stronger person, because I had to do it without friends. I had to get there on my own. I had to fix my own problems. With professional help, of course, but I did it. By myself. Without my family. Without my friends. And when I came out of it, I could stand on my own two feet. What an interesting and difficult way to find confidence.
I switched majors, from graphic design to geology, because I didn't feel like I got enough satisfaction from art. I was right. Geology really made me feel ACCOMPLISHED. And bonus, suddenly, I had a whole bunch of new friends. Real friends. But the good news was, I wasn't DEPENDENT on them. I was their friend, and they were mine, but I didn't have to lean on them. Or fall apart when they weren't around. Life lesson: Your friends are not your rock. You have to be your own rock, or you will never grow.
My faith did start to crumble after that incident though. It's funny, because God wasn't the one who answered my prayers, I was the one who answered my prayers. I was the one that fixed myself. The church, my faith, and God were the ones who partly put me where I'd been in the first place.
How backwards.
I stopped praying during that time in my life. And I haven't since then. It's oddly been very rejuvenating. Life lesson: Religion does not fix everything.
I also learned, that during that whole ordeal, I was still trying to live by God's word and be like Jesus. I was giving and giving from myself when I didn't have anything to give. That made me very very unhappy. But when I made myself happy, it's like the giving just HAPPENED. It's like it overflowed. Life lesson: It's nice to be selfless, but in order to achieve selflessness, you first have to take care of yourself.
Guess what. I'm a freaking strong person now. I can take hits now. They don't knock me down. Sure, I might be a little bit upset, but I can stay standing. I'm confident. I really LIKE myself now. I know when to let go of something that's hurting me. I can handle school work. (Ok, I still need the zoloft for that. The nice thing about Zoloft is it battles both depression and anxiety. But I can tell that I don't let large amounts of work freak me out anymore. My mind can overcome the panic that sets in. I can honestly say that I would probably still have problems with it, if I stopped taking the zoloft.)
I think, for the most part, I'm a happy person now, because I've helped myself. It sucked, that year did. But I wouldn't take it back for anything, because I wouldn't be the person I am today (a person I really love) without having gone through such a dark period.
So have you experienced/are experiencing depression? How did you cope? Are you ok now?
Comments (29)
I think I'm going through a rough patch myself. I really don't know how depression feels like, because I've never been diagnosed if I've been depressed.
Sometimes when I get rough patches I tend to sleep a lot because I find it comforting that I don't have to think about anything when I am asleep.
I am curious though what you were feeling during these low times, like what did you do besides doing school work and such...
@garon@xanga - I tried a bunch of things to pull myself up. I tried to go rollerblading every day. I slept a lot, for the same reasons you've described above- if I could sleep. At night, I could never sleep because I would get attacked by my depression- it was sort of like, the all the reasons my life was falling apart would just replay and replay in my head over and over and over again. It would just pull me down further.
In fact, what I had to start doing in order to get myself to just stop thinking about it when I was trying to sleep was to tell myself to stop. all. thoughts. And I would just keep repeating it over and over again in my head. Stop. All. Thoughts. If my mind started wandering... STOP ALL THOUGHTS. Counting works too. I did that a few times.
My problem was, that I kept going to church, I still had some hope that religion would help me pull through. But that was a place that ALWAYS made me feel worse, because it just wasn't the same as it used to be and I couldn't handle that change.
Besides those things though, it really felt like my entire life was enveloped in trying to get my homework done and dealing with my depression. Literally. It consumed my entire life. I tried to hang out with friends but it was really all on the surface. Inside, I was still fighting my battles even though I should have been distracted by everything else around me. I really wasn't though.
two days ago, i got really sad because I didn't make it to my school's top orchestra, i didn't feel like eating, but then i got over it, and that was it.
@x_Butterflies_and_Hurricanes_x@xanga - I congratulate you on getting through it.
So I guess I might be depressed. I tend to sleep often, and at night I stay up...although I am not sure, if its actually depression. It's a looong story. When I am at work I don't feel anything and go about work being fine. Although I do get lingering thoughts in the background of my problems. Think of it as whispers reminding you that this issue is still active, but then I snap out of it cause I get busy.
i am going to try your method of saying "stop all thoughts" before I head to bed. Will give you an update if it works ;)
Regards!
I went through the whole antidepressant side-effect circus back around my university years, too. And nothing ever really helped.
My doctors were more willing to throw drugs at the symptom (depression) than treat the actual problem (hormone imbalances).
"I know when to let go of something that's hurting me." ...that is such an important lesson...and a veryvery hard one to learn...it's awesome that you did!
Way to go girl!!!
And great post.
<3
Wow, what a story! It seems whoever I talk to that has been on Lexapro just got worse! That's how it was for me! It made me gain weight which ontop of my already weight gain made me even more depressed! I am now on Wellbutrin XL and that helps me a lot, my lowest was when I was a sophomore in college, I tried cutting, I didn't get out of bed, I just felt useless, that was my lowest of lows. I'm impressed you were able to turn your life around by yourself! That takes a lot and you really are a strong person now! Thanks for sharing!
i didn't know it was depression then. the first wave was about 3/4years ago, i cried all the time and slapped myself often. i would burst into tears upon seeing my face the first thing in the morning. i hit my head on the wall too. my hardest slap on my cheeks would have to be this one time when i was writing in my journal and i just broke down and before i knew it, my right cheek was so numb that i couldn't feel a thing. searing pain. i didn't step out of the house for 2months and when i do, i wanted to go home asap. i kept talking about wanting to die. i think about the paracetamols pills that i'd be stocking up so as to die. the second wave was two years ago, i would be crying until 2-4am and how much i want to die to stop what i was doing and will be doing in later life. i would cry in the swimming pools or in class and i couldn't control any of it. i watch myself wake up, walk, go to places, on auto-pilot, like an out-of-body experience. one of my depression traits would be binges. the type of eating-till-you-feel-like-puking and eating-all-the-junk-food-you-can. sometimes even breathing becomes a chore.
i'm not completely out of it but those bad, bad tendencies of self-abusing.. long gone. at least for now. and i don't binge anymore. i pretty much happy most of the time, if only a facade, and on some days when loneliness rears its head inside me, i get swallowed completely. i'm trying to love myself, perhaps doubly hard because nobody does. i'm wishing to die by 30years old because my existence is just meaningless and my death would be just another statistic.
I don't think I've ever felt something as bad as that - but whenever I do feel really low, it usually just surfaces at a bad moment or when things start to get really shoddy. And when I feel overwhelmed, I kind of withdraw from everyone around me and resort to writing to get my anger out.
Hmm, I guess I understand because I've been through a period of depression when I just cried and cried. The thing that helped, of course, was getting something out of my life that was dragging me down in a big, big way.
But your story is kind of sad in a way. How are you so sure that you pulled yourself out of that without god's help? The kind of religion you were practicing didn't sound like it was really following in the footsteps of Jesus (Jesus wouldn't promote going to church in order to make friends). Sure, he would feel the loss of friends who stopped going, but that wouldn't hurt his faith in god (obviously, since his disciples denied him).
It's just a thought. I mean, it's good that you feel better now, but who is to say that being tough is going to be a long term fix for you? What if being tough on the outside makes you weak on the inside? The truth is, we need each other.
I had a bad experience with medication that I am not going to go into non-anonymously, but I have been there. Lexapro, followed by a false bipolar diagnosis. I forgot 3 months of my life because the bipolar medication *made* me bipolar, and "dissociated my personality"
I now have a pretty damn good psychiatrist and no medication. I have my bad days, but I honestly don't even recognize the confidence and positive energy that come out of me sometimes. Am I okay? Not yet, but for the first time I know I will be.
@LupusInvictus@xanga - I understand we need each other. But I'm done letting it bring me down if someone can't be there for me all the time. You know? Since that incident, I've dealt with this FAR tougher than what brought me into the depression in the first place and am still ok. I went on to rough it in the desert for three months straight. And shortly after that, I had to deal with an internet stalker for over a year which resulted in a restraining order it got so bad. The fact that I pulled through such difficult times like those, and still feel as though I'm just as strong as I was then, proves to me that I'm a strong person. If I were weak on the inside, I would be able to recognize it. Because I am the type of person where whats on the inside is whats on the outside. I'm not a fake. If I'm feeling weak, I'm not afraid to show it. It does happen, but I can always bounce back now. That's what matters.
My father just died from cancer 11 days ago. The entire experience was 8 days from diagnosis to death's door. You be the judge of whether I am depressed.
I've been sleeping 24/7 because I can't stand to be in this place anymore...I watched him die in my own house...and it hurts. I can't eat, I have no desire to talk to anyone. I'm coping by shutting myself in my room and crying.
I'm not sure you're over depression. It's not a biological problem. If you still feel depressed when you stop taking it, there must be something in your life that is causing your depression still. I don't know i just feel that you should address your issues, fight it, and beat it. Instead of suppressing your emotions. As a fellow struggling christian, I just want you to truly be over your emotional problems.
@lil_KyungMin@xanga - I'm over my emotional problems. I take the zoloft souly for anxiety issues... which I don't think can really be solved in any other way. Anxiety and depression are not the same thing. Anxiety comes mostly from high levels of work. It's a panic that I can't get it done, and causes me to not be able to focus on it. The anxiety medication helps the chemicals in my mind balance so the panic does not take over the need to get it done.
@CrazySwede@xanga - You need to make sure you are grieving. I think your reaction to your father's death is quite natural. Give yourself time to grieve. Depression is a part of the grieving process. You can get help if you think you're not getting over it. Your grief is very understandable.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Best wishes. *hugs*
@Btrfly_Wngs@xanga - @CrazySwede@xanga - my dad died almost 6 years ago now from cancer... he was diagnosed and it was 5 years... I know how you feel.  My dad was my rock, my hero, the biggest most important person in my life and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him.  But being in mourning and being depressed is different than long term depression.  Wait a few weeks, maybe a month... if it hasn't gotten better then go talk to someone.  You need time to feel sad and mourn.  That is normal.  Getting stuck in that pattern of pain is when the problems start.  And if you ever need to talk to someone who's been through something like you may be going through please don't hesitate to send me a message.
@x_Butterflies_and_Hurricanes_x@xanga - @agerigsickles@xanga - @Btrfly_Wngs@xanga - for those of you who mentioned Lexapro causing them problems - I have a friend who is currently on lexapro for anxiety and depression and it is working very well for her.  I also know of a couple other success stories with lexapro.  Just to let you know it has helped some people :)@lil_KyungMin@xanga - many people need medication to get by from day to day.  Some just have it genetically wired into their system to be off balance.  Others are going through a rough patch in their life.  There's a good chance that once this person gets done with school and moves to a new part of life that they will no longer need medication.  Or they may need it from this point on.
In response to the actual post - I have been depressed for years. Â I think I am probably bipolar, but I hide it from my family. Â When I had my little boy I had a bad bout of post partum depression and I was treated for that and discovered I could function with medication. Â My insurance, however, is so bad at this point that I can't get the help I know I need. Â I feel overwelmed on a daily basis, but this is by far not my lowest. Â My lowest of lows were three times. Â The first was when my father was sick with cancer and he got much worse. I missed a week of school because my grandma died and my dad ended up in the hospital. Â I was then caring for my father (my mother worked full time 60+ hours a week) trying to catch up with school, and eventually juggling a summer job. Â I had way too much stress and could nolt deal well. Â The second was after my father died when I tried to kill myself. Â I was in so much pain and my family was so isolated from each other and generally things were just bad. Â The last and most recent was my freshman year in college. Â I chose to go to a school far away from home as well... I didn't want to be home anymore when I chose the school, but shortly after I found home at home with only a couple months before I left... then I went to college and moved in on the anniversary of my dad's death. Â I knew no one and went into a severe depression. Â I refused to talk to the school concert. Â I went to class and stayed in bed... I lived for visits from my bf... I didn't eat... I hated my life. Â My solution was to transfer closer to home. Â I didn't go all the way home I simply went somewhere a little closer where I had a few friends who were on campus. Â A basis to work from. Â It worked well. Â I think I would have done well at that school to start with if my family hadn't pushed me to the "amazing" first school. Â lol however shortly after I got pregnant and my life changed completely in a very good way. Â things have been better since then. Â I still really need some help when I can afford it, but I am doing okay now. Â As for religion... I tried Christianity, but there are certain things I just cannot deal with and I never really got the support I needed there. Â I found my own religion once I accepted that I would never be able to really accept Christianity. Â Sometimes you have to find your own path.
@firechild06@xanga - Lexapro does work for some people. The thing with depression medication is that they are different for everyone since everyone's situation is different and everyone's brain chemistry is different too.
Ooofda you've had it rough. I'm very sorry for your losses. Actually, after all that happened, I sort of found my own religion as well. I let go of Christianity but didn't let go of faith. I was a lot happier with my faith. Felt like I really believed it vs trying to believe something I grew up being told I should believe.
@firechild06@xanga - I might just take you up on that sometime. At the moment, I have a hard time admitting to myself what I went through on those medications, and I'm working with my doctor to try to figure out how much of that was me and how much was because of the chemical effects those pills had. I did some things that I am not proud of, but what made me realize that the medication was a cause was when I tried to kill myself..twice. In the 5 years I had struggled with depression, a major eating disorder, and self-harm, I had never wanted to die. It's hard to be depressed, but when the medication and people that are supposed to help you make you worse, it just adds to it. My best advice to anyone is to make sure you talk to the people around you. Your doctor isn't with you 24/7 to notice any major changes, so make sure someone close to you knows what's going on. If my fiance and mother hadn't been there to say "hey, I know you're feeling better sometimes, but your personality is different" I may not have noticed the changes in myself in time.
Good luck to all of you. Depression is a hard road and a neverending battle, but it can be easier. It just takes some time.
@x_Butterflies_and_Hurricanes_x@xanga - lol that's a very finite picture of my history.  If you think that's rough...Â
 hey but I prefer not to complain overall.  I share my story when I feel the information is necessary or may add to the subject/help.  Oh and Zoloft was what helped me with my post partum depression as well.  I'm glad you've found your own faith as well.  Your story is a good one to share too, it's one that really is about finding strength in yourself and that is wonderful. Â
@Btrfly_Wngs@xanga - I really wish that I could get the treatment that others have.  My insurance refuses to cover it.  I think if I did it might be easier for both me and my bf/fiance to understand what is going on with me and what to look for.  As is I know he struggles to keep up with me and to understand.  I know it frustrates him and I think that if I can eventually get that help then maybe coming to a couple sessions or something to help get some understanding may help.  Right now I feel bad because it's not fair for him to have to deal with my swings. Âoh man i'm not entirely sure if i'm depressed. but i'm utterly exhausted. and it's not even school that's the problem, because i actually got a 3.75 with ease this semester. i'm scared because i can't figure out what the problem is to fix it. i go through these extreme up and down moments ALL the time, and i'm just tired. i feel these things, but i don't show them a lot on the outside, so nobody around me can really tell the difference (i'm a pretty secluded person when it comes to stuff like that). i feel like i'm trapped inside of a spiral.
I've been through several rough paths just like that, and it all started when I was eleven. Many people say that eleven is a young age to experience all that I had experienced. The contemplating suicide, the self-hated, the depression, the feeling that no one cares, bouncing back and forth from having friends then not having any, having friends that were pulling me down, etc. I started seeing the school psychologist and guidance counselor that year. I tugged and tugged at the rope to try and pull myself up. I made it about halfway without the help of friends or family, but it wasn't long before I fell down again. My entire middle school years were spent in this same on and off turmoil, and the self-hatred continued. So did the regular counselor visits. I started cutting in my eighth grade year, and I even had a close hit with anorexia. Some say that I was anorexic, since I showed several important symptoms, but I was never diagnosed because I never went to the doctor. My family has no idea what has been happening to me since my middle school years.
High school has been a little better, since I haven't visited the guidance counselors at all. I have a boyfriend that cares about me very much. We've both been through hard times. He's tough on me, but I need someone to be tough and tell me what I need to do so that I can be a better person for myself and for others.
And so I congratulate you for taking the steps to improve your life, even if it seemed difficult. I envy your courage, for it is something I do not have and never had.
I'd love to say that I have recovered, but I have not. I'm almost seventeen now and have never been to a therapist, despite several recommendations for therapy, doctor visits, and such medications like Prozac and Lithium for highly possible anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder. I still occasionally have panic attacks, and I suffer from high stress. I can't keep my moods control; sometimes I feel like I'm on an emotional roller-coaster.
But this post is pretty inspiring, and I again congratulate you for pulling out of this. It's a rough spot to be in.
Take care. <3
@firechild06@xanga - My insurance doesn't cover it at all. I go twice a month and/or when I can...
That's great you brought yourself out of the depression, but hope you haven't turned your back on God because of the experience.
I've also suffered some depression in the past and went on Effexor when I was about 14-15years old. (Which I always pronounce Ef-er-eX). It didn't really help me. It made my mind more cloggy and like I could not concentrate. I would have to say my faith in God was one of the things that drew me out of my depression. My depression was from a lot of lies - like I wasn't worthy or loved and that I was ugly and a failure. It was my faith in God that made me see these things were lies and as I gradually stopped believing the lies things improved. I'm 22 years old now. I would say I am a shy person and have some anxieties and bad feelings about myself sometimes, but I have come to a place where I love myself... and can receive love from others. There are still things I want to change about myself but I don't hate myself.
-Heidi
Depression doesn't exist. When I feel the blues I like to look at poor people. Life is great when you have cash, and a family that gives you cash.