Despite what shows like
The Biggest Loser and
shrieking harpies like Meme Roth contend, shaming people is not an effective weight loss tool. And yet books, talk shows, diet gurus and more magazine articles than I care to count advocate shaming your loved ones, friends, casual acquaintances and even perfect strangers into losing the extra poundage. These days it is even fashionable to shame yourself a la Oprah Winfrey's I'm-200-pounds magazine cover confessional and Kristie Alley's "coming out" about her unpardonable sin of backsliding on a diet and regaining the lost weight.
Fat shaming - whether we do it to others or ourselves - has one huge downfall: people are only temporarily motivated by negative consequences. Psychologists have long known that while punishment can bring about quick change, it isn't often lasting change. And in the world of health and weight loss, lasting change is the
only thing that matters. In fact, riding the weight roller coaster is actually worse for you than just staying heavy. If you want people to make a life-long change, positive reinforcement - most powerfully in the form of love - is the only thing that makes sense.
I was reminded of this truth when I got a PR pitch in my e-mail this past week. Now, in the realm of PR pitches which are already notorious for being bad, this one was bottom of the barrel. It read: "Thought this might be interesting for your blog! I was editor of the book." Included was the link to the book which I am not going to name for reasons that will soon become apparent. Aside from the fact that if her e-mail writing skills are any indication of her editorial skills then there is little hope for the book, her pitch was impersonal and brief to the point of being non-informative. It is not my practice to slam PR people or the companies they represent as I believe negativity breeds only more negativity but just reading the sample chapters of this book made my blood boil like very few things do. It's all about how to shame, guilt, cajole and otherwise harass yourself and others into losing weight. It's about making it into
a war between "us" and "them."The gist of the book is to define a multitude of ways that thin people think differently than fat people. This in and of itself is not a bad concept - other authors like
Dr. Judith Beck have used this technique with much success and kindness - the problem is in the way this Book I Shall Not Give Any Publicity To By Naming It separates the thin from the fat. Here is the opening salvo in the "war" they declare on fat:
"Fat people have a difficult time accepting responsibility for their own behavior, so they blame their diet. That’s no different than a college graduate begging for money on the street and then blaming the school for his failure to succeed."
I believe he just said that fat people are morally flawed; unable to accept responsibility for their own behavior. Does it matter that fat people routinely hold down jobs that require a great deal of responsibility? Or that they responsibly raise children? Or responsibly serve in their community? Somebody better tell Oprah that she's better off begging in the streets.
Here are some sample tips with which to self-flagellate:
"Fat people believe diets don't work. Fit people believe
people don't work." That's right - it's not the diet that's flawed, it's you! This hones in on one oversimplification that the weight-loss industry loves to make: that if you just try hard enough you will lose weight. And that may true in the short term. It's hardly ever true in the long term. There are a lot of contributing factors to losing weight and
only one of them is raw willpower.
"Fat people believe 99% compliance is good. Fit people believe 99% compliance is failure." The book goes on further to say, "Get tough and hold your feet to the fire. 99% compliance is failure. If you're going to get fit, it's all or nothing." I ask you: how often has all-or-nothing thinking actually worked for you? Or anyone you know? Brittle people break. And I say that knowing that I am one. Also, if you comply with your diet 99% of the time, I daresay it will work for you. It absolutely is not failure. Any step towards better health should be considered a success.
I could go on but you get the point. It's cruel, infuriating and trite. Yet the thing that bothers me most is how ubiquitous this approach is. It's not just this one book. It's endemic in our culture. And it's what leads people to say things like, "Because I'm fat I'm gross and disgusting." or "It doesn't matter what I succeed at in life - no matter if I'm a good mother or a rock star or a CEO, if I'm fat I'm a failure." or even "If were skinny, then I would be loved." This breaks my heart.
Fat People are People FirstFor some reason, especially when it comes to weight and appearance, we seem to focus on the adjective before the personhood. This is evidenced by the multitudes of letters to various advice columnists asking some incarnation of "I'm not attracted to my significant other anymore because they've turned into a fat cow so how do I make them lose weight?" I hate these kinds of letters because they reduce a person - a person that you once loved enough to make some level of commitment to - to one single attribute. I'm not saying that it isn't okay or even loving to want a loved one to lose weight for their health and happiness and I'm not saying that it isn't normal to have your attraction wane as physical appearance changes. But that isn't the end of the story - it's the beginning.
Like any elderly couple can tell you, everyone loses their youthful beauty through some combination of illness, age and life circumstance (yes, even the Hollywood botox queens) so if that is all your love is based on, then it was never love in the first place. "But what if she dies young from being so overweight?" a concerned friend once asked me about his beloved and overweight spouse. "What if she dies thin, thinking your love is conditional?" was my reply. The love of the person has to come first. People who are truly, deeply, genuinely loved will then be open to making the changes that
they need and want to make.
Fat shaming doesn't work. Loving people is the only thing that does. So if loving people is the only thing that works, then why don't more people use it? Because it takes more time, understanding and effort than just yelling, belittling and shaming. It's harder. So now who is lacking in willpower?
And what if they/we/you never lose weight? So what. Society will not come crashing down around our ears - or rather, if it does, I'm thinking dishonest corporations and unethical politicians and a morally compromised populace will have a lot more to do with it than an abundance of adipose tissue..
Do you think shaming others is a good strategy to get them to lose weight? How do you motivate others to get in shape?
Legal CrapSince I'm actually quoting from the book, I feel compelled to cite it so they can't sue me for not crediting them for their work. But I'm going to put it in a teeny tiny link down here at the bottom; it's the least I could do. Also, please note that I only read the five sample chapters on the website and this is what I based my review on. Perhaps the book does a 180 and changes its judgemental and condescending tone. But I doubt it.
This is a guest blog written by Charlotte Anderson, from thegreatfitnessexperiment.blogspot.com.
Comments (13)
Shame works for people who are willing to work hard to begin with. It just helps motivate them.
If you're not willing to work hard to lose the weight, no method of motivation is going to help you, anyway. Laziness and lack of self-discipline does not a fit person make.
That sounds like it was written by and for FIT people, not those that need help and motivation in loosing weight.
Our society has gotten to the point were, any failure of a fat person is met with you deserve it for being fat, end of story, but if a thinner person made the same mistake the way others would react would be different.
People assume the thin mean attractive and fat means ugly, but if people were to HONESTLY look at people, not just the size, they would see that many fat people are very attractive and many thin people are ugly. Your size isn't what makes you attractive.
Shaming someone to do what you want is stupid and pointless, although they might stop for awhile if they didn't do it for themselves they will usually go back to their original behavior. No matter what it is, smoking, losing weight, or any other "bad" habits. To me, it would be like shaming someone for anything they do to get them to change simply because you don't like it. You can't do it, it's not fair and you shouldn't try it.
Great post and I totally agree about the authors' condescending attitude. How nice it must be for them to live in Fantasy Land where no one ever has to compromise and eat something that's less-than-healthy because they're short on time or skip that 1 hour workout because they feel the time would be better spent making the money their kid is burning though in college.
I don't agree with the way the word "shame" is used here. However, from what this blog says, I don't think I really agree with the book either.
I think it depends on the person. It would work for me when it comes to fitness.
Honestly, I've never tried to motivate anyone else to be fit.
what fat people do do is increase the amount of money spent on health care to treat the diseases caused by a "condition" that is almost completely preventable - money that can be much more usefully allocated elsewhere (research, charity, help the government support another multimillion dollar bailout plan...you know).
What motivates me to go to the gym is knowing that eventually I can be a normal weight and I can have some guys look at me. Totally vain but it's just the truth! People tell me all the time that health is what should be important but sorry, if I don't care I just don't care.
My mom tried shaming me I suppose. She would make me eat separate meals from my family, make me take tons of pills, force me to wear clothes I was uncomfortable and embarrassed in, and even saying I 'wasn't pretty' in front of my family.
It depends on the person.
I don't know how anyone could continue to believe that negativity is the way to get anything done.
Personally, I understand that now. It took me years, but I came to the realization. When you hate yourself, you don't think your deserve anything. When you love yourself, you finally start to believe that you are worth the effort and that you are capable of bigger and better things.
Negativity only inspires contempt, and who wants to hold contempt for themselves or have other people feel that way towards them or themselves?
Another huge problem that needs to be addressed is the mantra that a lot of people chant to themselves, "If I were skinny, my life would be so much better." But that's for another day, eh?
Great post!
Haha I'm having a laughfest! Shaming vs Encouraging - here's my story: 5 months ago, I decided I was going to get strict about my diet. I was losing weight very slowly, but I managed to fit into an old little dress that was feeling alone in the closet. I then emceed an event that night and while on stage, got heckled by what was a Ricky Gervais wannabe who started with a "get this obesity off the stage." I ignored him. 20 mins later I was on stage again, and at this point he called me "fat" and kept yelling for me to get off the stage. Granted, I was livid. But I finished by show and as much as I wanted to present my emotions over the microphone I put it away.
Then I got off the stage, dared him to take his pants off and addressed him in a derogatory term that meant female dog and implied that he was keeping his pants on because a certain organ of his was too small for public display. That I think was the point where I started working out religiously to lose 22 lbs or more. I'm halfway there, its a big struggle, I'm also training for a marathon. I am pushing myself because I want to, because only I have the right to call myself a fat bastard and no one else.
The irony is the guy who called me fat, had a big belly too. I can't wait to see him in several weeks after I've hit my target weight and say - gee, YOU'RE still fat AND ugly! Juvey, I know but its only fair that I get my turn ;)
Do you think shaming others is a good strategy to get them to lose weight? How do you motivate others to get in shape?
Shaming others is a method used by negatively-focused people and focuses on their fears and insecurities. This article is totally spot-on, it might work in the short-term for some, but never in the long run!
I see two main problems: One, that judging a person only by their outer appearance is a weakness and is too common, and two, you can't convince me that overweight folks don't want to lose weight. Most of the time, they don't know how without a lot of pain and frustration. The concept that "less calories in and more calories out" is too simplistic - our bodies are much more complex than that!
And all the marketing for weight loss products that don't freakin' work, that people spend billions on every year, is proof that "fat people" want to lose weight.
I've gotten true, workable information on improving health and managing weight and share it with others. I validate the person and focus on their positive goals and improvements, physically and emotionally, in order to strengthen their own power of choice and self-determinism. It starts with information that is useful!
Cheers,
B.B.
i think we have a huge problem when our weight in and of itself can be a source of shame, it is a superficial and arbitrary measure of our worth as human beings. it does not speak of our self control, level of responsibility, or intellect, yet people attribute so much of their time and energy into achieving what society tells them is the ideal. underlying their weight struggle is usually something much larger than the fact that they ate a large fry over the small, why did they choose the large fry? why did they eat the cheesecake when it didn't even taste good? food can be an addiction, a form of self medication, a tool to detract from underlying problems and self deprecation might motivate you to lose a few pounds, but they won't stay gone and it will leave you with a mindset that is bound to make you unhappy with life.
The idea that anything less than 100% or absolute perfection is failure is insanely unrealistic! None of these famous, successful people share that ridiculous opinion:
"Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely."~ Henry Ford
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."~ Thomas Alva Edison
"All my successes have been built on my failures."~ Benjamin Disraeli
"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm."~ Sir Winston Churchill
"You only fail when you stop trying."
~ Ken Evoy