Thursday, 25 June 2009
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The Not so Beautiful Portrait...
She sits alone in her bedroom. The bright pink walls appear faded against the dull light of her bright pink lamp - the clock on her desk reads 12:51 AM. This girl is busy right now...flipping through the pages of her Cosmo Magazine while lying on her bright pink comforter. Page 112 - she rips it out. Page 112 - she looks at it carefully, not an ounce of fat on the model's perfect body. She closes the magazine, sets the picture aside, and goes to the bathroom. It's time, and she's ready... Stepping on the scale, the red numbers read 1-7-2.5 With a frustrated sigh - filled with both anger and anguish, she grabs a green toothbrush off of the holder next to the sink and grips it so hard that her knuckles turn white. It's time, and she's ready... She closes the door and pushes the button in the center of the knob...it's locked. Nobody can get inside the door, nobody can hear outside the door. You know what happens next...
About fifteen minutes later, this same girl is crouched over the toilet, like some sort of animal. Her hair is messy...it clings together in thick segments - held in tact by her own vomit...too short to pull back, too long to escape the stream. Her eyes are red from crying - the mascara has dripped from her eyelashes to her cheekbones, and a plump sixteen year old girl tries to erase the "damage" she's done today - eating too much - eating not enough. The back of her throat throbs, it's sore from being continually poked by the back of her toothbrush, and her stomach muscles ache while her mouth yearns for water - some form of hydration.
It's now 1:39. The six no bake cookies that entered her mouth two hours ago just exited it two seconds ago. Her nose is running, and she can't stop crying. It hurts to hurt - emotionally and physically.
This is the not so beautiful portrait of a teenage girl who can't seem to see the beauty in the mirror. She is fun, outgoing, and well liked...but she doesn't know it. Despite her friends, despite her family - the mirror reflection gets to her - and sooner or later, so does bulimia.
Recently I've seen a lot of posts out there about weight loss...and the circulating EDs (eating disorders) are getting a lot of positive attention. It's like the new fashion accessory to have on your xanga page - pictures of emaciated girls and the words INTAKE in bold with a short list to follow. There is this one blog that stuck out to me though, it was of an 18 year old girl who seemed so much like myself it was scary...except, she wanted to become bulimic.
All the pictures that I saw on her site were very stereotypical - they were all very thin, wore a lottt of eyeliner and skinny jeans - each girl awkwardly placed over a toilet bowl. ...if only it was half as attractive of a process as all these "thinspo" pictures portray it to be.
Bulimia isn't cute - there's nothing attractive about puking up your dinner...I would know - I was the girl with page 112 on my bulletin board - the one admiring it on her bright pink comforter - the one clutching her green toothbrush - the one who saw 172.5 on the scale.
My Grandmother was bulimic too - she died weighing 87 lbs at 5'4. She had a feeding tube in her stomach, just so she could have her 1/2 can of formula to keep herself alive each day of her life, if life is what you could even call it. When the pneumonia came, she was too weak to fight it off, leaving us all 83 years too soon. ...this is not a game, and not something to try "just to see if it works." PEOPLE DIE FROM THIS. There's a saying - "If you play with fire, you're going to get burned." This is true - and although you may not literally burn your esophagus will.
I've gotten help, and I hope that you, the ones in denial, get it too.
Stay healthy. Stay innocent. Stay safe....don't do it. Just...don't.
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About the Author
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- From: colormethespian@xanga
- Name: Allyisa
- About Me: I'm a college freshman at UW-MWC who loves life, senses of humor and people that attempt good grammar!
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Comments (15)
Excellent post. I, too, have struggled with bulimia for the past 6 years and it's not pretty. It's absolutely horrifying. I'm working on recovering right now and it's a very long and hard road with a lot of slip ups. But I can do it. Posts like this really help.
Wow. You write it so vividly, so I feel as if I am you, the girl with the green toothbrush. I think you are helping people like me understand what it is like.
I have a guy friend who has told me about his struggles with bulimia... I'm sure I have known girls who struggle with it, too, but I have never found out. I wonder how different the experience is for males and females. In your case, the motivation- to be beautiful, to be liked, to be thin, does seem all too familiar, even though I've never "been there." You make be want to be even more sure never to go there. Thanks.
Thanks for sharing.
I've been seeing too many pro-eating disorder blogs lately myself. I can't recommend posts like this enough.
Well said. There are better ways. Always.
Wow very well written. I actually felt the pain from the story. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for posting this. Although I am not bulimic, I do struggle with anorexia nervosa, and I am also appalled at how much EDs are glamorized. I remember way back when I was 15 before any of this started and I was so much more carefree than I am now. I could eat whatever I wanted to and not even think about it.
I honestly don't understand why anyone would WANT to be like this.
Yep. Bulimia has been my very own private circle of hell. I wouldn't wish this upon a murderer, a rapist, or a thief. I've been attempting recovery for a bit over a year now, and I would literally do anything in the world to stop another girl from going down this path. Thanks for the post, it helps to hear things like this.
I'm really glad that you wrote this...it's so amazing. You're an awesome writer and I felt like I was you when I read this description. Great post! Thank you for writing this - people need to know.
This is a great post. I'm sorry for your grandmother and am glad to see your are recovering. I myself can never understand the disease (puking is the worst thing ever to me...it hurts, tastes bad and you feel like shit). Hopefully at least one girl will be convinced that there are healthier means to weight loss.
I very strongly dislikepro-eating disorder blogs.
I have been dealing with bulimia on and off for over three years, and I agree with you - the is nothing cute about it.
I almost can't believe that there are people out there who actually want to become bulimic. It's completely and utterly ridiculous. Don't these poor girls realize that it's a disorder? It can take over your life and identity. It can steal you away from your friends and family. It's not pretty, and it's certainly not nice.
As you have experienced, people actually die from complications related to eating disorders.
Thank you so much for sharing and helping further educate all who read this.
Very well written. I spent close to a year trying to not eat for days on end, and then pigging out one night. Sometimes making myself throw up. Taking diuretics, laxatives. I'd lose ten pounds in a week but it never lasted and I never felt healthy. I weigh more now than I ever did before I tried any of those things. I know xanga has those blogs, I've had one or two in the past. Now I don't look at them, I don't read them. I have to tell myself it's cheating, taking the easy way out. I want to be healthy and not just thin. Eating disorders aren't healthy.
Thanks for the post. I'm currently receiving therapy for bulimia, and I'm considering going to support groups as well. If anyone has any other suggestions for recovery, let me know - it would be much appreciated.
Thanks for sharing.
There's a girl I know who had begun to slip into anorexia because she just wanted to get a little tinier to get more attention from guys. Well, once the attention from the guys started, the anorexia didn't stop. She just recently started to get help. And, unsurprisingly, a lot of the people I know who struggled with eating disorders are people I danced with.
I'm really not a fan of the thinspo sites, especially since some of them are getting Top Blogs and such.