Monday, 29 June 2009

• Inspired For Recovery...

  
  

  
  At my friends BBQ there was this girl, her name was Florentina ("Flo" ) which is btw a beatutiful name  and I was somehow totally stunned by her. I don’t know if I found her attractive..I think it was more that I wanted to be LIKE her .
  
  Maybe I would not even have recognized all that if i didn’t know that she had an ED..I think that fact alone drew my attention to her. I admired nearly everythinng about her: the attitude, her style, her lifestyle... I liked how positive she came across all the time.  She smiled the whole evening and really seemed to enjoy herself, she was open and friendly and you could see that she was self-confident and down to earth, but did not (like me) play it.  (I think you realize if people do so or not if you are a bit sensitive).  I also found her really beautiful, and found myself envying her body although I am definitely thinner.  She has probably a BMI of 22 or so and everything is at the right place if you know what I mean.  (Not a meatball on toothpicks but an hour-glass-figure).  Beside her I felt like a weak child and somehow...emo, because I think my negative attitude to life is plainly visible to anyone.
  
  She also seemed to be one of the most grown-up people there (we are all around 20 and I find it interesting to watch everyone grow up...or not).
  
  She lives on her own and has her own apartment (and I mean a whole apartment not just a room AND a garden) She did her graduation from school with 18 because she was at an English school, and then became an emergency assistant before going to university for becoming a med-doc. (which I consider too...I mean I don't know if I want to become a med-doc anymore, but the takes half a year, and I have the time now, and moreover it's a great job where you help people. but idk if I'm able to do that).  She has already seen people die, and tons of people who wanted to commit suicide...some of them in front of train.  She also has reanimated people already, and one died while she did it.  I think these are really things that show you the truth and the worth of life...and made her the person she is.  Eddi (that’s the one who threw the party) once said:" Flo is so confident in her life.  She is someone who really stands on her own feet." ...so true.  (Btw she's also the one who said that she has had an Ed: " she doesn’t know you know...but Flo has had an eating disorder.  She knows what she’s talking about and she does NOT find it good that you want to lose weight!"- haha if Eddi only knew how much I know myself about eating disorders..)
  
  I think all in all I admired the fact that she seemed to be so whole, so perfect. And I truly mean perfect, because perfection is not looking thin and sick...it’s being strong, friendly , down-to-earth and able to stand up for whatever you want to stand up for...
  
  That evening and the day after (and now still. a little) I was really inspired for recovery.  I want to be whole; not broken, like her.  And happy.  The next day I even had a normal breakfast (2 slices of bread with cheese).  And eating normal meals is something I almost NEVER do, unless it is planed 1 week before.
  
  Well as I said I do not think I’m in love or sth, it’s more like I was child admiring her older sister or so...I also think she is way to similar to me in all the superficial things that play a role: she wears the same clothes, has the same hair and eye-color...well she looks a bit like me (only prettier of course, which is not difficult).
  
  In fact when I saw her I thought: "like me only in a better version"
  
  So I think, well ...she might be a very good positive role model for me.  And I’d really like to be friends with her.
  
  (But isn’t it a bit strange to take someone as a role model who is barely older than you?)
  
  
  (Ed's note: This post was left as is for the most part, except for minor changes)
  

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