Sunday, 30 August 2009

  • Move out of the way for the fat lady...

    I wish I had the willpower to completely ignore the need to eat. Yes, I know it's an illness. I have the opposite 'illness', but it's not treated as an illness. It's treated as a choice or a character flaw.

     

    I come from a food-restricting, stingy family. We were not dirt poor, from what I could tell. My parents were blue collar workers, and the food was not fancy, but I have never seen a day when we did not have food. My mother was an excellent and frugal cook, so chicken, rice and bean dishes, porridge, casseroles, vegetables out of our garden, home made breads/cakes/cookies and fruit were the usual menu items

    My parents, being raised during the Great Depression, always feared there would not be enough. My mother controlled every crumb in our house...she fixed all plates herself with a practiced hand, and put what she deemed to be 'enough' on each plate.

    Only my father was allowed seconds. "You've had enough." Mother would say cheerfully and firmly to any child who asked. "There's enough here for another meal for the whole family...if you have more, there won't be." or "Why do you think you deserve more than everyone else? Everyone gets the same amount."  Every leftover was carefully incorporated into the next meatloaf or pot pie. If we wanted a snack, she might allow it, depending on if it was more than an hour to the next portioned meal. She would dole out a hard boiled egg, an apple, or on rare occasions, 3 cookies.  Other days, she might refuse the snack, accusing the asker of gluttony, saying "No! You're just sitting there thinking of what you can ask for! You aren't hungry, you're just greedy!"

    My father did manual labor, so he was allowed more food than the women and children. My mother grumbled about his 'greed' often, sometimes arguing that he'd eaten more than his share.  Dad snacked, but on strange things like stale bread dipped into coffee. He carried cold toast with jam wrapped in waxed paper to work with him, rather than buying a pastry for his coffee break.

    We had a television, and I was amazed at the Chef Boyardee and Aunt Jemima commercials. Oreo Cookies, Twinkies, Snicker bars, Ruffles Potato chips. I asked why these delicacies were not in our house, and was told that nobody really bought that junk. When I began to attend school, I saw other children's lunches that consisted of Wonder Bread sandwiches made of Jif Peanut Butter and Welches Grape Jelly, a Snack Pack pudding, a single serving bag of Cheez Doodles, and a miniature carton of Sealtest Vitamin D enriched whole milk that entitled the purchaser to a paper-wrapped straw. My mouth watered at their bounty. Why were we not entitled to such riches?

    I complained of my lunch of sliced eggs on homemade bread, an apple and reconstituted powdered milk in a thermos. Sometimes, a piece of wax-paper-wrapped pound cake would be included. My mother dismissed the parents of the prepackaged consumers as "stupid" and "wasteful", and raged at me for being ungrateful. She  continued to fill my lunchbox with homemade fare, although she was so angry at my covetous nature that I'm surprised she fed me at all.

    The minute I began earning money, I began buying food. Salty, sugary, delicious, nutritionally bankrupt food. Old London, Frito Lay, McDonalds, Sara Lee, Dunkin Donuts. Arbys, DQ, Subway. Soda! We never in out lives had soda in our refrigerator! My mother made a punch out of bottled grape juice, sugar and water as a treat in the  Summer. Winter we drank hot tea or plain water.

    My sisters and got our own apartments soon after finishing high school. We met after work for eggs over easy with plenty of potatoes and toast.  Food! All we wanted! Finally, I could free the appetite I'd supressed for years as we carefully made sure to only take 'enough' to avoid being accused of being greedy.

    I'm overweight, will probably always be overweight, hate being overweight. I can't stick to a diet for even a day. Once I taste food, the cravings ignited are so strong that I will eat until I can't hold any more, as long as food is available, even food I don't like. I actually carry food in my purse (crackers, candy, etc) so that If I am in a public place like work or a friend's house, I can slip out of sight for a bit and eat until the cravings are stilled and I can concentrate again.

    Sometimes, if I only drink coffee and soda, I can go a day without eating, but rarely more than a day. Of course, I don't lose any weight on the days that I don't eat, but I feel a little less ashamed on those days.

    I cannot eat in moderation unless food is literally kept out of my reach. Otherwise, I'm eating all of the time.  I start out trying to have a reasonable meal, but I am still craving to the point of pain after that meal...I need to eat until I am unable to fit another bite.  Once the cravings have passed, I have tried purging afterward. It doesn't seem to help. I'm still fat. Maybe if I didn't purge, I'd be even fatter. I'm not willing to find out.

    I exercise regularly, and that buys me some reprieve from the blaming.  Going to the gym daily shows the world that I'm 'trying', and softens the cruel comments or eye rolling should I mention how miserable this fat makes me. Nobody calls this a 'disease' or a 'disorder'. They call me "chubby" and "jolly" and "no will power" and "I guess she likes looking like that." and my favorite insult of all, "If she wanted to lose weight, she would". 

    I cannot embrace being a big beautiful woman because I'm not beautiful. I haven't had a date in years even thought I'm the "jolly" one  who is "a barrel of laughs" that people enjoy having at their parties. I don't sit at home, but I ALWAYS go home alone.

    The curves are all in the wrong places, and I can't find a way to be happy looking like this. Anorexia may be just as bad, but at least you can look nice in your clothes.

    I'm not fat enough for insurance to pay for surgery, just fat enough to be ugly. This is not about self esteem. This is about being stuck with being fat because I can't control my eating. I wonder often if this is the result of living with my parents fear of running out of food, or if I'm just wired this way.

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Comments (37)

  • scarletchord@xanga

    Yes, COE is an eating disorder but it's usually not treated with the same amount of sensitivity as anorexia or bulimia (though let's be honest, those don't usually warrant the sensitivity they deserve).  I feel for you reading this.  Maybe you should seek medical help for this?  I'm not sure if appetite-suppressants or some sort of mental therapy would be more helpful.  It does seem that it's more of a mental problem for you, as you eat even when you're not hungry.  I do hope that you seek some sort of professional help thought.  I know how miserable it is to not be happy with your weight.
  • oXSweetAviators@xanga

    Firstly, Both Anorexia Nervosa and Binge Eating are named as Eating Disorders.


    Your comment about people suffering from Anorexia Nervosa looking nice in clothes is, in my opinion, terrible.  They do not look nice in clothes because their skin is pale, bones are showing, eyes are sunk in.  You should not be making comments that encourage Anorexia because in truth it is a serious problem.


    Furthermore, surgery is not your only option.  There are nutritionists available to help, personal trainers to motivate you and pills such as Ally (which is FDA approved) that can be used as an aid.


    You stated this post was not about self esteem, but it seems to me that, that is a big part of it.  Which means that your physical health is now affecting your mental health.  For image issues, if they are truely severe, Therapy may be beneficial.  As for your questions on whether your family is involved, Psychodynamic therapy is designed to look at the effect childhood has on the lives of adults. 


    Programs such as Weight Watchers and Nutrasystem will provide food for you.  Most importantly, don't try to do this alone.  Create a support group.  Tell your family in friends how you are feeling and ask them to help point out to you how much you are eating when you start going.


    Good luck in your endeavors.
  • JoeytheGenie@xanga

    I have trouble with will-power too - especially in the recent weeks
    normally I'm the one telling my mom not to eat ______ and to use her will power
    but for some reason in recent weeks I've been eating EVERYTHING in sight
  • XndraXstz@xanga

    My mother is opposite of yours, she fed us constantly with exotic dishes she cooked herself and took us out for dinners. She is a true foodie. Because of this I developed fear of gaining too much weight and watch my diet. I eat healthily and exercise regularly, but I couldn't help myself bingeing on certain days.
  • EndofGrace@xanga

    Anorexics and Bulimics shouldn't be envied. Those disorders come with just as much baggage and stigma as COE. It sounds like your issue is deeper than just food, you should see a mental health professional.

  • astronautical123@xanga

    @scarletchord@xanga - All eating disorders warrant sensitivity. However, I think it's awfully bold of you to say that anorexia and bulimia get more than they deserve. People are currently in the process of learning about binge eating and over eating, though, and just as it took awhile for other eating disorders to be recognized it will take time for this too as well.
  • Covergirl_For_Sanity_Fair@xanga

    Try hypnosis.  Seriously.  It can be expensive, but it's worth it.  I used it for my depression, and it's done more for me than my anti-depressants and different therapies.  And my dad's lost 2 lbs a week since his hypnosis.
  • carydeeluxe@xanga

    i understand where you're coming from. don't give up on yourself; the above comments are all right and true. acceptance is the first step to recovery.
  • kazzya@xanga

    All humans were wired with certain cravings, and fleshy desires, whether it's lust, greed for money, for food, or just plain laziness. You are right in thinking you need control, I don't know if you believe in God, but we all struggle with our own "cravings" and it is only His strength that can get us through without the things we think we need to feed ourselves with. Just simply let Him know how you feel. Good Luck, and I truly believe you will overcome this. Christ intended for us to live our lives to the utmost, being joyful and happy, not depressed, alone, or tied to our desires. xoxox
  • ShimmerBodyCream@xanga

    I know what you mean. Even though anorexics have a disorder society still views them as beautiful and favorably. We have had a tendency to totally disregard and make fun of overweight people.

    So on top of not only having an illness that brings you so much personal pain you have to deal with society that beats you down more.

    I hope you can get help :(
  • methodElevated@xanga

    I'll comment with the exact same thing I did in the previous eating disorder post:

    You need to take personal responsibility
    for the memes your parents placed in your head.  Everyone does. 
    They're viruses that permeate our society, and we just tend to accept
    them because our parents and our parent's parents told them to us.

    It's
    sad that it has negatively affected you so much.  You've allowed the
    memes of gluttony and wastefulness to control your actions.  You've
    allowed the excuses to replace the truth.

    Instead of the excuse, "It will be difficult", tell yourself the affirmation:  I have the ability to accomplish any task I set my mind to do with ease and comfort.

    Instead of, "It's not my nature", say:  My essential nature is perfect and faultless.  It is to this nature that I return.

    Instead of, "No one will help me", say:  The right circumstances and the right people are already here and will show up on time.

    "It's my personal family history" becomes:  I live in the present moment by being grateful for all my life experiences as a child.

    "It's never happened before" becomes:  I am open and willing to attract all that I desire beginning here and now.

    "I'm not strong enough" becomes:  I have access to unlimited assistance.  My strength comes from my connection to my source.

    "It's too much to do" becomes:  I think only about what I can do now.  By thinking small I can accomplish great things.

    "I don't have the energy" becomes:  I feel passionately about my life and this passion fills me with excitement and energy.

    "I'm too scared" becomes:  I can accomplish anything I put my mind to because I know I'm never alone.

    Repeat these affirmations over and over.  Whenever an excuse arises, tell yourself the affirmation.

    (Source: Excuses Be Gone by Dr. Wayne Dyer, PhD)
  • Ork58@xanga

    @methodElevated@xanga - What are you doing, selling books?


    oxsweetaviators.xanga - Whats up with blasting the OP for her opinion on how slender people look? It is far easier to dress nicely and be attractive if you are slender/skinny as opposed to having whale butt. Her comments do not "encourage" people to become anorexic.  That is a real stretch. What are you so defensive about? You use the most extreme examples to portray anorexics. Not all that suffer with that disease are extreme; just as with any condition, people have varying degrees. It is not a black and white issue. Are you implying that unless you have sunken eyes, hair falling out, teeth falling out, pale skin and bones sticking out, they can't be anorexic? Sure is easier to make that assumption based on your response.


    OP - another example of neurotic parents screwing up a child. Perhaps your Mom was raised in a household leftover from WWII when food rationing and scarcity were daily realities? Fact is, food is cheap. Almost every medium to larger city has soup kitchens and missions that hand out food. There are government programs for free or reduced cost lunches for kids at school. No kid has to go hungry in this day and age. We have "Head Start" programs that even provide a hot nutritious breakfast for kids. No, it may not be trendy or name-brand stuff like you mention, but no kid goes away hungry. You will probably struggle with weight issues your entire life. It will be something you'll have to constantly monitor. Get professional counseling so you don't pass this craziness on to the next generation. And there will be a next generation. There is a guy out there for you, chubby or not. The right guy will love you for who you are, not what package you come in. If you are a positive, cheerful, fun person to be around, self confident and kind to others, you can bet you will attract guys. The one who hides in the shadows, constantly whines or preens herself, who is always critical, negative, wet mop, etc., will have a hard time finding a spouse and a happy life, even if she is a perfect 10. Time and age take their toll, gravity sags even the perkiest of boobs. The right guy is one who you can grow old with, one who can see past the age lines and wrinkles, and love the person within.
  • Ulma@xanga

    I am very aware of COE (which is most likely the disease you have).
    It is every bit as horrible as anorexia, or bulimia and actually only less acknowledged publicly, however doctors etc. are more and more aware of this as it is more common than anorexia that is actually very rare.
    After recovering from 3 years of severe anorexia I began overeating, difference is I started purging so I never became overweight. I have now recovered from bulimia as well but it is a difficult road.
    You would actually want to try writing a food journal leaving out nothing at all so you can understand fully when you body doesn't need more food according to GDA etc. it helped me A LOT as I'm now eating normally and dieting very healthily!
    Mainly you need to come to terms with your childhood and realize that food is nothing but fuel and is really not 'interesting' if you're getting my drift.

  • methodElevated@xanga

    @Ork58@xanga - Nope, I'm just offering the best advice I know to two situations that are strikingly similar.
  • scarletchord@xanga

    @astronautical123@xanga - I didn't say that they got more attention than they deserve.  I said quite the opposite and said that I don't think they always get treated with the amount of sensitivity they deserve. 
  • Kabuki@xanga

    *HUGS* Fear is the mindkiller. Your parents' fear of running out of food created an emotional vortex inside of you that you filled with food. Food is not your enemy, fear is. In my humble opinion, I think you'd do well to separate the notion of emotional comfort away from eating. Before you even think of dieting, find some other fulfilling activity that can boost your self-esteem in other ways. Losing weight is very challenging, because you not only have to eat the right things in the right proportions and exercise, but you also have to get your mind absolutely set in the right direction. And the mind is so full of subconcious tricks!
    I hope you find what you need.

  • oXSweetAviators@xanga

    @Ork58@xanga - I wasn't "blasting" anything.  I was stating a fact that extreme cases of anerexia do not improve looks or health.  In fact, no case of anerexia does.  And by saying that people suffering from it at least "look nice"  is making their disorder seem less severe.  Furthermore, whether or not it's easier to dress a curvy body or a slender body is irrelevant and a matter of opinion.  I am not defensive, I simply have the facts necessary to make an informed response.  "whale butt" is offensive, rude and crude no matter who you are.  Varying degrees or not, without help, eating disorders are bad and getting worse.  There is no "positive" aspect to any of them.  Sorry.


    In order for a disorder to be logged in the DSM (A collection on how to diagnose and identify disorders), it must be dangerous, distressful and dysfunctional.  Because eating disorders CAN be found in the DSM, they demonstrate these qualities and therefore should not be taken lightly.
  • trulytito@xanga

    hello,



    regards.


    tito dutta.
  • Horn_Of_Plenty

    i agree...surgery is NOT your only option. therapy, i've tried it and it does help, may help you get some of your anger and frustration out.  also, a nutritionist or taking a nutrition class.  try to really watch what you are buying and the types of food you keep in your house. try not to buy anything you will crave and overeat.
  • iusemycerebellum@xanga

    this is amazing. there was a very similar post i just finished reading about anorexia.
  • whyareyouweighting

    Get in touch with me right away with your email address and I'llbe happy to send you a no-charge copy of my e-book "Why Are You Weighting? It's Not The Food That's Making You Fat!" Your story and my story are very similar, and you can get a handle on your weight. Your history with your mother, food, rations, guilt, fear etc have all programmed (conditioned) you to be and act a certain way with regard to food. This can be changed, but no diet is going to do it. The issues are not in your stomach, they're in your thinking and beliefs. The food and overeating are just symptoms of another issue, which you must deal with. You're an adult now, and it's your life. You can continue blaming your current circumstances on your past, or you can get on with living now and in the future. Your choice, and I'm happy to help. Email me at info@whyareyouweighting.com
  • esc_delete@xanga

    We don't look good in our clothes.
    Sitting down hurts.
    Having your bones jut out everywhere is no fun, just as much as being obese isn't.
  • xjadersx@xanga

    Go get professional help, and maybe then you can be helped.

    I agree people think that all big people can help it, and chose to be that way.

    It's just that there are so many more big people than there are anorexic/bulimic people. There are a lot more people who are big by choice, and who don't do anything about it. That's my thought anyways.

    There is a way that you can be helped. Don't give up.

  • danielle_thexdino@xanga

    I think I will be like this with my kids, even though in no way is my family poor or short on food. We are allowed all we want, but since the times are tough and I hear about families not being able to pay for their houses, I don't like to eat as much, and it IS selfish to eat more than what you're satisfied with. In my opinion, obesity is either laziness or gluttony. There are some cases where obesity is unavoidable, but that's rare.
  • emmaleaaa@xanga

    This has got to be hard. As many have said, it is a recognized eating disorder. You should get professional help, this isn't your fault. You can overcome it. I believe in you. Much love

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