About a month ago,
my therapist diagnosed me with bipolar disorder.
For the past couple of months, I'd been having some severe mood swings. There were two instances, each less than five days, that I found myself incredibly depressed. I didn't see the point of leaving my house; I made excuses for why I couldn't see my friends; I ate an incredible amount of ravioli because I didn't want to put on clothes to go to the grocery store (my mum stockpiles the stuff - if the apocalypse ever does happen, we'll be set).
The second time this happened, I considered suicide. I made a plan and lined up all the pill bottles I could find next to my bed.
These depressive episodes didn't last long, partly because I had been on medication for depression before this. In the space of five or six months, I had three major manic episodes - one of which ended with a stay in the hospital when I began to see things. The last time I was manic, I found that I had the energy to do SO many things; what's more,
I was excited to be doing all these things. Instead of studying a few formulas for my Pre-Calculus final, I spent hours at a time creating complex study guides for the entire (900 page) book. My thoughts moved rapidly, and my tongue felt heavy because it couldn't keep up with my mind. I started to believe that I had been enlightened, that I could solve everything that was wrong with society by becoming a scholar, absorbing knowledge.
I had way too much energy for a person who was sleeping less than four hours a night, and eating barely enough to feed an infant. I think that was what finally got my attention in the end. After three sleepless nights in a row, I sat down on the couch and found that I was having trouble getting myself up. My body was failing on me, although my mind was still going at full speed. It was frightening.
I began taking lithium carbonate and risperidone a month ago, but the drugs have only made me feel lethargic. As of this very moment, I think my mood is somewhat in control. The only thing I'm really feeling is fear. I'm afraid of having to live with this disease for the rest of my life. I hate the idea that I might not have as much control of my emotions as I'd like to be. As amazing as I felt while I was manic, I'm afraid that my mood might cause me to make harmful mistakes. And right now, I don't want to die and I hope I never fall so low as to attempt suicide.
One of the hardest things about having this disease has been, for me, telling people. The only people I've told have been my parents and my two best friends. As shallow as it sounds, I'm worried that people will treat me differently if they know I'm bipolar. Honestly, to others I've always been the overachiever, the person who gets things done and does them well. I would hate for people to think I was incapable of doing things because I have bipolar disorder. I am afraid for the future.
I guess the only reason I'm sharing my experience is because I wanted to hear some feedback from people who have gone through what I will be going through.
Please, tell me there's some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.
Do you find it difficult to live with bipolar disorder, or someone who has bipolar disorder? What has been the hardest part about having this disease?
Post submitted by Healthkicker reader, xoadriee
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Comments (49)
I was just like you. But medication had only ever made things worse. When I turned 18, I decided no magic pill was going to change things & i needed to change myself. I took myself off meds & if was the best decision I ever made. I began to smoke pot recreationally which slowed the racing thoughts & took the edge off my depression, but in the end it was realizing that death was too easy to give in that really helped me.
I'm not going to lie; it's a constant struggle. But it's so easy to give in & give up that pushing forward just means so much more.
I don't have any personal experience with bipolar myself. My biggest suggestion, however is based off of experience with my niece's mother who has bipolar.
My brother is still dating her but is SO ready to go. She has scratched my brother in the face and on his arm while my brother had tried to barricade himself in his room & my dad had to intervene. She has smacked my niece off of the bed before (in front of my mom & brother) because my niece pinched her. Seriously?! She is 1 1/2 years old. She's a baby basically. And she acted like it hurt as bad as a grown man had pinched her. She decided it would be a good idea to feed a 1 1/2 year old mostly formula & little solid food because this way there would be less poopy diapers to deal with. However, she usually insists my brother stay with her at her parents' house so that she can make him do most of the childcare and all the #2 diapers. She has only worked at a one job for 3 weeks and she's 21 or 22.
It's ridiculous. She is on 1 medication for this but it's for ADD I guess, from what she says? And she said she's "afraid" to tell her doctor after all of these years that the medication isn't helping very much. Yes, you can tell when she's had her meds but she still says she doesn't feel it's helping as much as it should. And that's even when she takes them in the first place. She seems to think she doesn't need them half the time. It's so frustrating.
So basically, from that I'm sharing to illustrate how important it is that you make sure you are taking the best care of yourself possible - meaning making sure that the meds you're on are helping you. If not, do NOT be scared to inform your doctor and figure out what med(s) work best for you. If you don't tell the doc, then you're not doing your best to care for yourself. When you are properly medicated (possibly including therapy?), then it benefits you as well as your family & friends. My brother's gf has very few friends because of her lack of taking responsibility in regards to her bipolar disorder.
From this experience, I feel that the WORST thing anyone with bipolar disorder can do is to go off of their meds. It's a disorder in the brain, which means meds are needed. There are so many different ones that they have on the market that if the first couple don't work there are more and chances are one or a combination of a couple will work. Otherwise, people like my brother's girlfriend are the product of poorly medicated to non-medicated.
I'm sorry that you're going through all of that. I certainly hope that you're able to get the meds & help that you need so that you're a happy & balanced person. I wish you the best.
I was diagnosed correctly with bipolar disorder 5 months ago. Previous to that I had been on anti depressants and anti anxiety for 6 years and no amount of medication ever completely helped me, and I couldn't open up to my therapist about my past, so I wasn't getting over the hump. Finally I got a new psychatrist who studied my behaviors for a few months and said "I think you are bipolar with a high anxiety disorder." She put me on Lithium and I'm also on Effexor, which is an anti-anxiety.
It changed my life. I am not completely better yet, I too still have manic episodes where I am severly depressed, almost suicidal, then I go back up to being so happy and on top of the fucking world. I also only sleep about 4 hours a night. They're still fixing my lithium levels and such but I've absolutely been better these past five months then I have in six years. I can finally open up to my therapist, I'm getting back into school which I constantly had to withdraw from due to panic attacks, I'm no longer in and out of the hospital, and my life is finally falling back into place.
My mood swings have always been an issue, I've ruined many relationships with friends, family, and guys because of them. It's a constant struggle but I hope one day to be done with therapy and lead a fairly normal life.
I'm a strong believer in medication for getting you over the hump, but it's really all about working things through in therapy. I assume it'll be a long time before I'm completely better, because I have six years of baggage to work through, but I've come so far already.
This diagnosis could be the best thing that ever happened to you. It will be a struggle, and you will have bad days where it's so hard that you want to give up, but don't. Keep trying your hardest.
And don't go off your meds and turn to subtance abuse to get you through it, because that doesn't work in the long run. The subtance just masks the symptoms, it doesn't work to get rid of them. Plus subtances harm your body in other ways that could make you sick.
Also, never stop a medication completely without the okay from your psychatrist because your body will go into freak out mode and you could get really sick, or it could mess up your mind and make you start to see things again or make you suicidal. Just be careful, and hang in there. There are a lot of us bipolar girls on xanga so you'll have lots of support.
All I can say is take your medication. People who think they are better off without it are delusional. When I wasn't on medication for bi-polar I was having major mood swings from happy to suicidal in a matter of minutes. I was on SSRI's for a good 7 years untill I finally was diagnosed. At the moment I am on Lamictal, an anti depressant for bipolar and a mood stabilizer. I can finally function normally.
@MyTwoCentss@xanga - Did you ever consider she is violent with people b/c she is just an idiot or psycho bitch??
I am bi-polar and have never been violent with anyone. I get angry with people just like everyone else but I never smacked a baby.
@path_2_happiness@xanga - I've considered it. I think she's a manipulative, spoiled rotten psycho- bi***. However, like I said - she's the only exposure to bipolar I've had that I'm aware of. I wouldn't automatically judge someone with it because I understand it's a case by case basis. Just like all human beings aren't safe to be around even if they have no health issues, it's always case by case.
It IS difficult to live with Bi-Polar disorder but once you either find the right combination of medication or therapy it works. I've been diagnosed as Bi-Polar Type II since I was 16 which was 7 years ago. And I never find it easier to deal with but you get used to it and learn to accept it as just a part of who you are!!! The hardest part for me has been accepting the fact that i AM Bi-Polar and always will be but realizing that it's not necessarily a bad thing has been the best thing I've ever done to help me on my journey to a better healthier mind!
@omgroxie@xanga - This is worth a post in itself, Roxie, and I'm so glad you have started to feel better. Keep on the regimen and don't cut the docs any slack if something is not working.
Luv you, girl.The only advice I can give you is to take your medication. If the medication you're on isn't right, try something else. Keep trying.
My father is bipolar, and it has destroyed him and my family. He got to the point where he denied having anything wrong with him, and stopped taking his medication. He put me through hell as a child, though he loved me and cared for me to the best of his ability. Now he is in jail and will probably go to prison and be there for a very long time.
You're already gone a huge step forward from him, though, in simply admitting that you have the disorder and that you need help. I don't know what it feels like to have bipolar disorder, but I know what its like to live with it. And it's hard for all involved, but definitely not impossible to overcome.
I was diagnosed after my second involuntary hospitalization. I'd been suicidal on and off since 12. The SSRIs they put me on induced both suicidal thoughts and manic behavior and I didn't have a word for either of those things. It was terrifying.
Being diagnosed @ McClean inpatient was a blessing because it allowed me a week or so to start and stabilize on medication, Lithium, while having nurse and support around me 24/7. Unfortunately everything leading up forced me to drop out of college for one semester because I hadn't been sleeping, getting out of bed, eating, or showering, was carving myself up on my stomach like a turkey, and had direct plans to die very soon.
I instead spent the next two months following my discharge at a day-treatment program. There I got great therapy and altered my medications. I was able to go back to school and work with a school therapist and psychiatrist. Now I am on 1,2000 mg of lithium and 100mg of Seroquel (anti-psychotic) and 3mg of Ativan (anti-anxiety). I did SO well in school and the meds helped a ton.
BUT I go through a lot of "I should be able to do this on my own" and "I don't need medicine," or I'll be slightly manic and want to "ride" it out. DONT. The best thing to do is just take your medicine, always, and then the doubts will pass. I ruined relationships and letter grades this year in my dumb experimentation with taking myself off of drugs.
On telling people...I told my parents and that was a big relief. They were able to help me financially a bit that way (ie helping with the ambulance bill...GOD those are expensive). I found that to be essential. My siblings know the bare minimum; my parents know about everything.
Sadly, on telling other people, like close friends, I've often found it's better not to. People will treat you differently. It's just a fact of life. Oh well. I try to think of it as their loss, not mine, because I'm still the same person whether or not they knew about my struggles with mental health. I've had those struggles since 12, so the joke is really on them. Of course, I found it beneficial to tell my friends who maybe I'd broken down to when I was extremely depressed (usually this was when I was drunk), to let them know that I had in fact found help, and to thank them for sticking by me. With these friends, it was good.
On telling my roommates it was a different story. I thought I might tell them so if anything, god forbid, happened again like a hospitalization, they would understand (because I felt awful about the old roommate I walked on.) They definitely judged me. I wouldn't do that again. Telling people is just who you feel comfortable with, I think. If you are worried about their reaction, maybe hold out. Hopefully someday people will be more tolerant.
I try to live one day at a time. As people with bipolar our long term goals tend to be staying out of the hospital, getting out of bed, and making sure we don't drain our bank accounts or injure our family relationships in an episode...BUT! we also have our OWN long term goals to add on top of those: our career goals, our relationship goals, etc. It's so so important to honor and balance both of those goals. They're both parts of our life now, and neither one is leaving.
IDK about a light, exactly, but I can say that my life is at least twice as good, maybe three times better, than it was when I was diagnosed. Now I know the root of my feelings and behaviors and can control them much better accordingly. I am so thankful for the medications because they enable me to live a normal life I couldn't before, and enable me to be here typing this today.
I think that is the best light.
Also you might want to smoke weed - and while that's better than nothing else, I think - It's important to remember that lithium is time tested and will help a lot better. Faith in taking medicine is one of the most important struggles I've seen with the other bipolar people I've been in groups with. It's really what holds us together. If the thought of taking meds every day for the rest of your life is overwhelming (it's very upsetting to me, I know), just take it one day at a time.
Ys it is difficult vbut with God's help you can do it.
There is a great book called The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by Miklowitz that has helped quite a few of my clients learn to take charge of their diagnosis. You may also want to find a therapist who knows how to implement IPSRT, a research-proven treatment for bipolar spectrum disorders. It is the only evidence-based treatment out there specifically for bipolar spectrum disorders (as opposed to other treatments which are used for many other disorders). It is very, very good!
One thing to know about medication is that it may take awhile to find the right med/combination of meds. It can be an extremely frustrating process, but once you find it, you will be so, so glad that you stuck it out and found it/them. Best of luck!
Some people think you're crazy. Others think you're just over dramatic.
I find that only people with the disorder understand.
I stopped taking medication, because according to my family my only excuse for being upset was, "oh! you didn't take your pills today, did you?"
Yeah, fuck that.
I believe coming to terms with the disorder itself is the hardest part. Even when you've accepted you have it, you may not truly accept what that entails, the symptoms you will have to learn to deal with for the rest of your life. And there are so many levels of acceptance anyone with a disorder must go through-I think, for me, this is the hardest part-as it is the most important, because it is the key to coping.
I had very similar experiences when I was 17-20. I dropped out of college 3 times, was hospitilized against my will4 times and ended up in a group home for mentally ill young adults.
For me, in the end, the drugs felt that they did more harm than good, and I eventually eased off of them and started smoking pot in their place. Laugh if you want, but marijuana "leveled out" my moods, regulated them, if you will, without making me feel anxious, fearful, lethargic, hopeless, etc, etc. After about 6 months of smoking a lot of weed, I worked out some really valuable coping mechanisms for mania and depression, and there were some big shifts in the way my mind functioned. Now I'm 25, don't smoke weed anymore, and I haven't been depressed nor manic in about 4-5 years. I'm not saying everyone with bi-polar can be "cured" or "get over it", I'm more saying, WE DON'T know (even doctors) all there is to know about the mind. Instead of thinking "I'll always struggle with this", just try to take it a day, week, hour at a time.
Best wishes, I know first hand, the battle is a tough one, but there are lots of hopeful outcomes!
Don't feel ashamed or afraid about having the disorder-- everyone I can think of has some kind of problem with their mentality or mood, and I don't think that just because your problems can be labeled a "disorder" makes you any different of a person-- and if people think that, they're idiots!
I know someone who is 'bipolar' who is currently (and has been) medicated with an antidepressant and a stimulant, and it has been working great. I obviously don't know much about your situation, but just don't close yourself off to medication because one or two pill combinations don't work-- you have time to try, so long as you remain safe and talk with your doctor openly.
Whether medication is the answer or not, OF COURSE there is light at the end of the tunnel! So many people out there are living with bipolar disorder that lead happy, stable lives, and you will be one of them. As hard as it is, just try and be patient and optimistic-- you will find a healthy balance one way or another as long as you don't give up!
@MyBurningSky@xanga - That would annoy the crap out of me. It's like invalidating your emotions. Whether or not you took your pills or whatever, you're still feeling the way you do. That just sounds so condescending.
My sister was diagnosed with bi-polar a couple of years ago. So far as I know she takes her medication as prescribed. She lives a normal and happy life (: She just graduated from her graduate program for social work, and she'll be getting married a few months. Though I haven't asked her personally, my other sister has told me that sometimes she still has "her days" when she isn't feeling so great mood-wise, but overall she is fine.
Don't let the diagnosis define you. I think one of the most important things you can do for yourself is to be an advocate for the disorder--help other people understand what it's really like, help to educate them, and don't let the stereotypes define you. I did a presentation on BP in my psychology class and people were basically shocked to hear that having BP doesn't automatically mean you go from depressed to ecstatic in a matter of minutes (There are types of BP where this can happen, or it will happen in a matter of hours, but many people with BP have these mood swings over the course of weeks or months, from what I know). Help others understand and don't let them belittle you for your medical diagnosis. It isn't something to be ashamed of. Not only will educating others help them to understand what you're going through, but you likely won't be as embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it.
Most of that advice comes out of the fact that I have an eating disorder. It's so important to help people learn about what they may only make assumptions about based off of stereotypes. Good luck, and just take it a day at a time! Of course there's "a light at the end of the tunnel". (:
@r1bc4g3k1d@xanga - Exactly. Besides, those pills don't do anything but "block" those emotions. Anytime I missed a day or two I could feel the crazy mood swings or big pointless break down inside of me trying to come out, but it felt like it was locked behind a door or something. That probably made no sense, but it made taking pills seem pointless. They didn't fix me. They just helped me to hide it all to fake being normal. I hated it.
@MyBurningSky@xanga - Yeah, I definitely understand.
Me: *has legitimate problem with something*Family: Oh, did you take your anxiety pill today? No? Well, obviously, that's the only reason you're upset.I was misdiagnosed with bipolar... But I was bipolar. Just not because of brain chemicals like everyone else.
Being bipolar is the worst thing ever. Normal people will never truly understand the hell that people suffering with it go through. I'm very thankful that my attempted suicide failed because I would have never known what true happiness is. And I'm so so thankful for normalcy.
@TheFifthHero@xanga - Exactly. But it got to the point where they didn't ask if I took my pills. They're just like, "oh! you didn't take your meds today!" Even if I did. "/ Such bullshit.
i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder about 9 years ago. about 3 years ago the diagnosis was changed to bipolar. then about 5 months ago the bipolar diagnosis was taken away. no one can seem to diagnose what's wrong with me. i just know i'll likely be on meds forever and the thought of that makes me want to die most days. mostly i swing between between being low and being super depressed. i can't seem to find anyone who can truly help me, give me a proper diagnosis, etc. my life seems to be a worthless, useless waste of space.
Mozart helps me not to shit all over people.
Sometimes I have a small manic episode lasting only a day, or even a few hours, or sometimes they last for weeks or months. I can be a huge brat somedays because I'm irritated and depressed (such as today) and sometimes that can last for weeks. My boyfriend and I fight a lot because one week I'm in absolute bliss with our relationship, the next I hate everything about it. He knows I have bipolar disorder, but it's only come up once and I never elaborated. During casual conversation I told him I was diagnosed with manic depression. He didn't ask for details, so i didn't give any and the conversation continued in a different direction.
I stopped going on meds because they were expensive, they made me feel robotic and I didn't want to have to take meds to be a normal person. However, the episodes wouldn't stop so I recently went back on them to keep my relationships stable. It's really depressing knowing that I am not actually myself, because I am constantly drugged, and I can never be myself because I'm impossible to live with.
It can be shameful because bipolar disorder is taken very lightly, made fun of, and absolutely misunderstood.