Tuesday, 19 July 2011
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3 Perfectly Sane (and Gross) Reasons NOT to Ever Get Pregnant
I love kids, I love babies, I even love shopping for little kid toys and clothing. I know I'd love to be a mother one day, and I'm sure I'll be a totally normal, cool mom.
But to the current 24-year old version of myself... pregnancy is absolutely horrifying. And really kind of gross.
Cracked.com never fails to make me laugh... but this time, it absolutely failed to make me smile. As if I wasn't already horrified thinking about being pregnant one day (I mean, fetuses are PARASITES, afterall)... they've now supplied me with even more reasons to be absolutely horrified of getting pregnant.
Their list provides 7 absolutely disgusting, appalling, skin-crawling reasons to not ever get pregnant. But I'll give you the 3 that I'm most afraid of.
1. Relaxin. No, this is not an abbreviation of relaxing. Relaxin is a hormone that kicks in when you're pregnant. Now relaxin is great for the most part - it helps get you all loose and ready to squeeze a watermelon out of a pea-sized hole. But it also causes your abdominal muscles to completely separate. That's right - separate. "But where things really get disgusting is after the baby is long gone from its home womb. When a mom has a diastasis recti, her abdominal walls stay separated, but without a 7-pound person stretching them out. It looks, uh, sorry to do this, kind of like this:"
...Gross.
2. Cheeseburger Crotch. This isn't a term I came up with, people. "...The amount of blood in a woman's body increases by up to 50 percent during pregnancy. As the baby gets bigger and heavier, more fluid + weight = external vaginal swelling, or cheeseburger crotch. Why cheeseburger crotch? Because some long-suffering lady realized the excess fluid in her bottom bits made her look like she was shoplifting a cheeseburger in her panties." I think I'll keep the cheeseburgers for my plate, thankyouverymuch.
3. Chlosama, PUPPS and tags (oh my!).These three skin changes are absolutely repulsive. Chlosama is the least treacherous of the three, causing dark blotchy skin on the face. PUPPS is the rude, middle child of the three on the awfulness scale, causing red blotchy skin that starts on the stomach and moves downward. Tags is the devil child, and I'm almost too grossed out to write about them. Tags "are polyps that look like tiny flaps of skin." Need a visual?
Gag. Me.
Now I'm sure all of these disgusting problems turn out to be beautiful setbacks once you actually have your bouncing baby boy (or girl), but until I meet my child's eyes, I'm officially grossed out thinking about pregnancy. (And for anyone that decides to be a wise guy and say, "MZENERGYDRINK, YER LYKE, OBVI NOT READII TO HAVE KIDZ YET," I'm going to congratulate you on your detective work and ask you where Sherlock is. Because that's OBVI.)
Are you as grossed out by these 3 facts as I am? Did you know all of this already? Could you look past these reasons and squeeze out a little child one day?
Need more reasons not to have kids?
Check out Cracked.com for the full list!
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About the Author
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- From: msenergydrink
- About Me: While I tried to stay in college for as long as I possibly could, I picked up a Psychology minor, forcing myself to learn a little about mental health. What I didn't know was how closely linked mental and physical health, are to each other. Now that I've graduated, I've enjoyed writing about all different aspects of health for Healthkicker. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that there's no way to live healthy unless you're happy, too. I'm hoping to be able to give as much insight as I can, while picking up a few tips from everyone along the way!
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Comments (148)
I have three kids and none of those above things have happened to me. They don't happen to every woman. I do have stretch marks though. And yes, even though I was picking on my kids today for giving me stretch marks, my kids are worth it. I had my first child at 24.
This doesn't happen to everyone. And when I have kids it'll be worth it. :)
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - agreed.
This grossed me out. With my luck I'd be the one woman it does happen to. :/ I'm still having kids though, :)
These are only a few of the reasons I haven't had kids yet. I want to adopt, but mostly because I work in mental health and I know so many kids that need a good home. :)
Yeah, never having kids.
i want to throw up
big deal. birth is obviously necessary- that didnt turn me off at all.
see and when i tell ppl that having a kid is an absolutely disgusting and nauseating process they look at me crazy. god forbid i'm a biology geek and know these things, NASTY! and though it may not happen to EVERY woman it happens to most.... eww ew. Not to mention these 3 things are not even the worst among the problems preg causes.
Oh, thank you for this post. This only increases my undesire to not want children -_- It's not just because I don't want to get big and stretch out my body either - I just generally find children annoying and to be a hassle and I simply don't want to deal with it, even if they would be my children. I'd much rather just grow old with someone special and have some peace and quiet for the rest of my life in my skinny body ;)
I read that list. Those dont happen to everyone & if it did, they all dont happen at the same time. Some women dont want kids purely because of cosmetic reasons but you sacrifice alot (including your body) to have kids. So if you cant do that, then mentally you arent ready to be a parent. The 20s is still young & many of us are in school longer so we say we dont want kids but many of us change our minds as we get older.
Working in the medical field & studying it, I've seen worse than what was on that list but was inspired me to look past it is what the mothers (& fathers! <3) did to keep those babies alive. that trumps any disgusting list of why pregnancy sucks if you ask me.
BLLLARRGHGHGHGHGH. As if pregnancy wasn't gross enough.
None of that happened to my mom, she didn't even get stretch marks o_o Same with my grandmother, and my great grandmother. So I'm pretty sure I won't have to worry about any of those.
Still, that's freaking gross.
This cracked me up. The whole pregnancy thing never really enticed me (though I definitely want kids one day, love them); even when my sister was pregnant I didn't care to ask questions or touch her belly. It just repelled me. But, I do see the other side... it is beautiful in many ways, and it really is a miracle. Science is nuts.
I don't understand how so many girls will get so excited when their little friends get pregnant (a lot of teen pregnancy where I live), and they talk about how cute their bellies are. What is cute about it? It's beautiful, like I said, but in a miraculous sort of way. It's not cute. :/
I'm odd.
Oh I totally have two of those "tags" or at least something that looks like it... on the inner crease of my right elbow and also somewhere else, I THINK. It's really tiny, though. I've never heard about pregnancy induced ones. I'm not pregnant, btw.
haveing just had a baby in june, its not gross and none of that happened to me. i didnt even get swollen and bloated feet and ankles. i might just be a lucky one though.
Haha gross.
Having a baby is about giving and nurturing a life and witnessing a miracle of nature that took millions of years to evolve. Right here in this small blue planet earth humans can create new people to witness the changes of time and the trials and tribulations of life. Plus you can easily get surgery to correct those things!
@ohforrealson@xanga - You can just cut tags off. I had one under my armpit and I sliced that mf right off with a surgical blade. That was like 2 years ago and I don't have scarring or anything from it. Also, I'm not pregnant and have never been. It's just something people get, pregnant or not.
Cheeseburger crotch made me lol. I never wanted kids until I met a man I could see myself raising children with. However, these reasons are just too shallow to deter me from my decision to one day (far from now) become pregnant.
Disgusting, makes me feel pretty solid in my choice to already never have kids.
And the weight gain and stretch marks.
Am I just really odd, or do most seven year olds still wet themselves? I'm not even trying to step on toes, I'm legitimately asking... because I clicked the link to the webmd article, and in the part about incontinence, the lady is quoted as "feeling like she is seven again" after having just wet herself, and I know I had LONG stopped having accidents at seven. Not like I didn't have other issues, I'm sure, but I don't remember other kids having accidents at that age either... or even five or six. Like at five, maybe occasionally, but by seven... I don't know that I EVER recall anyone in my class, or one of my friends ever having an "accident" and so it seems like an odd random age to say. O.o Just had to say... I know some people have issues with that past whatever is the average age, but in an article like that it seems like it's supposed to seem average and relateable, and that seemed to stick out to me. Maybe I'm just weird...
That being said, I think most people informed about pregnancies probably know it's no picnic. But it's probably not all bad either. And some people miraculously have almost no pregnancy related issues at all, let alone such horrible ones. Interesting, and perhaps horrifying... but not a realistic portrayal or expectation of EVERY pregnancy. You should maybe go into it informed, but not terrified if you're going to. And if you WANT biological kids... you shouldn't let these minor issues stop you from having them, they can be dealt with and I'm sure are minor in comparison if it's a dream of yours. If it's not, cool, but if it is... with any dream their are obstacles. Why do you feel the need to try and talk others out of their dreams because of possible obstacles? I'm sure you'd be frustrated if people did such to you...
That being said, yeah, I knew about such things. And I don't want kids for other reasons, but if I did, these things wouldn't be too hard to look past, I'm sure. They honestly don't seem like a huge deal to me. My body does weird horrible things to me anyway, with no sort of light at the end of the tunnel like that, so if it was something someone wanted, suffering a few odd and unsettling ailments in order to be part of something so miraculous really doesn't seem like it would suck all that much in comparison to what some people do with no real reward.
I don't want kids not for these reasons, but I want to save more money to travel the entire world. my grandma and mom's generation basically spent most of their lives working or raising their kids and continued to work just to make ends meet, so they didn't get to really go anywhere. it depends if you have great relationships with your family/kids, but there was an ongoing drama of hatred between the separated parents due to infidelity, and their kids, who resented them for many reasons. just drama and not much love going around. of course it differs and is unpredictable for each family or drama is inevitable, but they make their own choices and I make mine, so starting a family isn't my main priority. to each their own
These conditions are very rare, I'm sure.
There are so many gross parts to pregnancy and childbirth that people don't know about and there are things that happen to everyone, but at the end of the day you will get your body back (if you want it back) and you get to hold a little bundle of joy in your hands.
This definitely doesn't happen to everyone. In fact, I don't know a single mum who deals with any of these and I haven't. I had my daughter at 18.