Tuesday, 19 July 2011
I love kids, I love babies, I even love shopping for little kid toys and clothing. I know I'd love to be a mother one day, and I'm sure I'll be a totally normal, cool mom.
But to the current 24-year old version of myself... pregnancy is absolutely horrifying. And really kind of gross.
Cracked.com never fails to make me laugh... but this time, it absolutely failed to make me smile. As if I wasn't already horrified thinking about being pregnant one day (I mean, fetuses are PARASITES, afterall)... they've now supplied me with even more reasons to be absolutely horrified of getting pregnant.
Their list provides 7 absolutely disgusting, appalling, skin-crawling reasons to not ever get pregnant. But I'll give you the 3 that I'm most afraid of.
1. Relaxin. No, this is not an abbreviation of relaxing. Relaxin is a hormone that kicks in when you're pregnant. Now relaxin is great for the most part - it helps get you all loose and ready to squeeze a watermelon out of a pea-sized hole. But it also causes your abdominal muscles to completely separate. That's right - separate. "But where things really get disgusting is after the baby is long gone from its home womb. When a mom has a diastasis recti, her abdominal walls stay separated, but without a 7-pound person stretching them out. It looks, uh, sorry to do this, kind of like this:"
2. Cheeseburger Crotch. This isn't a term I came up with, people. "...The amount of blood in a woman's body increases by up to 50 percent during pregnancy. As the baby gets bigger and heavier, more fluid + weight = external vaginal swelling, or cheeseburger crotch. Why cheeseburger crotch? Because some long-suffering lady realized the excess fluid in her bottom bits made her look like she was shoplifting a cheeseburger in her panties." I think I'll keep the cheeseburgers for my plate, thankyouverymuch.
3. Chlosama, PUPPS and tags (oh my!).These three skin changes are absolutely repulsive. Chlosama is the least treacherous of the three, causing dark blotchy skin on the face. PUPPS is the rude, middle child of the three on the awfulness scale, causing red blotchy skin that starts on the stomach and moves downward. Tags is the devil child, and I'm almost too grossed out to write about them. Tags "are polyps that look like tiny flaps of skin." Need a visual?
Now I'm sure all of these disgusting problems turn out to be beautiful setbacks once you actually have your bouncing baby boy (or girl), but until I meet my child's eyes, I'm officially grossed out thinking about pregnancy. (And for anyone that decides to be a wise guy and say, "MZENERGYDRINK, YER LYKE, OBVI NOT READII TO HAVE KIDZ YET," I'm going to congratulate you on your detective work and ask you where Sherlock is. Because that's OBVI.)
Are you as grossed out by these 3 facts as I am? Did you know all of this already? Could you look past these reasons and squeeze out a little child one day?
Need more reasons not to have kids?
Check out Cracked.com for the full list!