Wednesday, 14 September 2011
You know, the girlfriend and I don't talk very often. We can't, because she's always in the kitchen, cooking, and yelling strains my voice. But when we do, the subject of hygiene is probably one of our perennial favorites. I'm not a fan of it, and she isn't a fan of me. We do have a specific disagreement, though: self-cleaning organs.
She swears the vagina is self-cleaning. Doing anything to it would mess up the delicate PH balance built by God, she says. Maybe that's true, I don't know. I try to avoid going anywhere near there. But what really infuriates me is that she claims it's the only self-cleaning organ, and that's clearly not true.
I have one too: my ears.
It's true. Ever since I was a little kid, I've stuck to the position that ears clean themselves. I remember once being told not to stick anything larger than my elbow in my ear. I also heard from a friend of a friend that his ex-girlfriend's mother used cue tips and ended up with cotton-brain. That scared me pretty badly, and as a result, I won't let anything near 'em. I don't have many senses – I lost my sense of taste in a tragic hot-chili accident a few years back - I need to protect the ones I do.
But for some reason, this basic right to the self-preservation of my auditory canal is an affront to a specific individual whom I will not mention here. Her right to not be grossed out by ear wax (which, by the way, totally gets on EVERYTHING if you never clean your ears) is apparently more important than my right to listen to Led Zeppelin albums in my underwear.
The way I figure it, the ear is a perfectly engineered marvel. The ear wax moves further and further out of the ear canal to the outside of the ear, and then sort of gets rubbed off on stuff throughout the day. And the stuff is mostly subway car seats and shirts my girlfriend intends to wear the next day, when she's not looking. This is the way God wanted it, which is why He designed it this way. It's as simple as that.
Look, I'm not a barbarian. I shave, I wax, I even tweeze. But I won't scrub my ears for anything bar an eleventh commandment.
Have you ever heard of a self-cleaning organ? Is the vagina (or any other organ) self-cleaning? Would you not clean an organ if it was self-cleaning?