Monday, 09 January 2012
I hear people say "I'm getting old" all the time. They're often in their 30s, or even their 20s. Normally I mind my manners when people say this around me, but since this is just a blog, I'll just call attention to the elephant sitting in the room:
You're not old, you're fat.
- Old age isn't the reason you breathe hard when you walk up the stairs. It's the M&M McFlurry you scarfed down without even blinking.
- Old age isn't the reason you can't fit into the seats of an airplane, that's because of the peanut butter you eat straight out of the jar.
- Old age isn't the reason you can't see your own penis. Do I really have to explain what's obstructing your view here?
- Old age isn't the reason you sweat out of places you didn't sweat when you were younger. You gained 100 pounds, and now your body keeps itself a lot warmer. You can thank the fact that you've been super sizing your happy meals for the last 10 years.
- Old age isn't the reason your skin is hanging down funny, the fat just pushes it out. That's because you eat a lot of stuff with bacon on it. Don't blame your 1979 birthday.
- You won't die of old age, you're probably going to die of a heart attack.
From now on, either shut your mouth when you're complaining about your health, or just simply say "I'm fat."