Thursday, 02 February 2012
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Postpartum: The Rollercoaster I Didn't Buy a Ticket To
I remember before I was pregnant hearing horror stories about postpartum. I always thought those woman were crazy, in all honesty. I didn't understand and really don't think you can unless you've had it. I had a friend whose husband would tell me about her hospital trips and he missed work often because she was "losing it."
After I had my daughter, I had some PP issues. I thought it was more of the fact that my daughter was just born after 12 weeks of wondering if my daughter would live and then dealing with her health issues after I had her. It was hard emotionally. I had two boys, a newborn with oxygen and at home nurses coming a few times a day. I was stressed beyond what I thought I could handle.
I got on some medication and after a year (yes, a year) I was able to get off it and feel normal. My crying subsided and I felt more equip to deal with the world.
After my son I had it really bad though. There were days my husband couldn't go to work or would have to come home. The overwhelming feelings I had were enough to put me in the crazy house (they didn't, surprisingly enough). I went to the Dr crying. I remember my son crying (he had reflex, colic, solely breastfed, cried. all. the. time) in his office and my doctor grabbing him and holding him while I sat on the chair in my 6 week check up bawling and unwilling to leave his office. This wasn't me. I can handle everything, I really can but that wasn't in my control. How I felt wasn't in my control.
We sat in his exam room for over an hour talking about what postpartum was. He reassured me I would be okay and we just needed to find a balance for me. He didn't call me crazy, I didn't feel like he judged me and he was more than willing to help me find an option that would work best for me.
My mother in law ended up staying an extra month to help. Every time she booked her ticked it would send me into his horrible, anxiety ridden attack so she would move her ticket date and hug me and tell me it was okay. Chuck and her were amazing and Lord only knows where I would have been without their support. It was bad, really really really bad. I didn't WANT to feel like that but I didn't have a choice. I was on that awful ride with no stop in sight.
The other day though I went to see my new nephew. He just turned 3 weeks. I walked into my sisters house to find her on her bed crying and holding the baby. I instantly grabbed him and sat to talk with her. Shes had two other kids with no issues and seems to be suffering from either baby blues or PP. I called her doctor and made her an appointment and we sat and talked. She asked why I never told her I had it (There were only a few people that knew).
My sister isn't exactly the supportive, loving type. She would've made me feel weak, she would have made me feel insane... That was not something I wanted or needed at that time. I accept my sister for who she is and I've learned what to tell her and what not to. Pretty much any emotion, keep to myself. On the other hand, I'm very supportive and try to be as non-judgmental as I can be with her. As I told her that it is something that effects a lot of woman she said no it wasn't. When I said I was on medication to try to help she said "Ugh, I WOULD NEVER take pills" with this disgust on her face and when I said she needed to realize that its okay to ask for help she rolled her eyes. As a mother of 4, one with a newborn that solely breastfed, one that has CP and two other that are in school and sports with a husband that works his bottom off I wasn't one to ask for help. I've always done it on my own but I found that you know what, so what if a friend brought me dinner, that didn't mean I was a bad mom. So what if laundry wasn't done or folded, my kids had clean clothes. So what if my house wasn't completely and 100% spotless, there was always tomorrow. I had to learn a new balance. I had to learn that not everything had to be perfect. I learned that and it made life better. In fact, those are lessons I still carry with me.
My sister though, I think it's still too early. I don't think she's to the point where she wants to listen. I don't know how to help her except to go over and keep my nephew while she sleeps. I can do her dishes and drop off dinner but really, I don't know what I can do. I tried talking to her (only to walk away thankful that I NEVER told her what I went through at the time).
It's hard to see someone go through something so hard. I've been there, I get it but if you aren't willing to help yourself, I cant help you, you know?
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- From: lifeasofnow@xanga
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Comments (16)
"crazy house?" surely someone with a mental illness, such as yourself, would use a more sensitive term.
anyway, i know how you feel with your sister. my boyfriend's mom is in the same position, but not with postpartum depression. she has depression and anxiety. she sits on the couch or sleeps all day, hasn't had a job in almost a year and i honestly have no idea how she's paying her bills.
i feel like there's a point where you have to realize you have children who are depending on you and looking up to you. you need to choose to get up off the couch/out of bed and try to set your life straight. most of the battle is doing this. get up, get active, be healthy. but for some that doesn't help, they may need to go to an institution for awhile, or just get on the right medications. it frustrates me but they have to want to help themselves.
good luck
While I was in the CRAZY HOUSE! I met some nice women with postpartum depression. It was really sad. They felt guilty for being away from their babies to get treatment to get better, so good thing you're not in the CRAAAAAAZAAAAAAY HOOWWWZZZEEE!
*This is Xanga, unofficially for "crazy" people. You get a lot of people who have actually been hospitalized.
To be honest, I am really scared to have kids because I have OCD and major anxiety that is extremely hard to control without medication. I've heard a lot of stories about PP depression and it scares the crap out of me because I know I'm already prone to that type of illness. But I think as long as you have good healthcare professionals and a support system, it can be dealt with just like any other type of depression.
Your sister sounds a lot like mine, actually. She was one of those people that would never want to take a pill for depression or anxiety and would try hard to keep up appearances at all costs. I hope that your sister is able to learn what you did and come through everything okay, but it's frustrating not to be able to help.
yea...try postpartum when you didn't keep the baby. sucks pretty hard.
I was surprised to have postpartum this time. After my twins I didn't have it but right after my youngest was born I had it/have it and anxiety. It's difficult.
My sister had postpartum with her first child. We lived together and I was always willing to help but she didn't mention a thing, even acted happier than she was, until after she'd dealt with it. I could have helped her far more but she kept it to herself. Each person deals in their own way I suppose.
You planted the idea in her brain and you spoke from experience. Bless you!
Guys, the term 'postpartum' just means the time period after you give birth. Postpartum DEPRESSION is the issue here.
I had a bit of PPD after my babies were born, and it didn't help that I was separated from them for several weeks while they were in the NICU. Luckily I was warned plenty about the possibility of getting it. It was especially hard once they came home and I had to take care of them by myself. I had to deal with an ugly part of myself that I didn't know I had. All the crying wears on you after awhile.
What you've endured and survived has made you more worldly and well-rounded, and now you have wisdom to give to your sister. I hope she takes advantage of that. I admire you for being such a strong and courageous mother and woman. Thank you!
@SeeBeeWrite@xanga - Ha, I was gonna say - every woman that has a child has a 'postpartum' period.
Oh goodness. I remember the baby blues, I went absolutely psycho for about 2 months. I thought I was crazy, my husband thought I was crazy.. absolutely horrible! I'm the type who wants everything perfect too, and would sit in the kitchen floor crying because the dishes weren't done, and I hadn't slept in days because I was trying to do it ALL. Looking back on it kinda makes me never want to have any more children.
I wonder if the post-partum depression phenomenon is one of the reasons that child-rearing in older cultures was characterized by a communal approach to childcare.
I had PPD after having my girl rather quickly. Since I was a young mom, my mother and people around me just acted like I was just being "ignorant" and should "Suck it up and your a parent now... you got what u wanted" attitude. I lived at home with my mom while going through college (went straight to the college after high school) so I started barrying my head in my books. I would tell myself that if I make good grades then all of this would have meaning. I did make As and when I did hit a C I started crying. It took awhile for me to realize that life wasnt against me. I have a smart kid and I am more relaxed. My mom still stresses me out but I dont go around the people who tell me "Im not good enough".
I've always experienced PPD after having kids. The first time was the hardest because my husband was deployed when our oldest was two months old.
All you can do is keep telling your sister that it's okay to get help. I really do hope she takes advantage of it instead of trying to struggle alone.
This is why it drives me crazy when people get all high and mighty about a mom not breast feeding. My daughter in law was depressed the entire pregnancy, but survived, but, from a previous experience, the doctor felt she would most likely suffer depression following birth. Not the kind that just goes away in a short period of time and leaves the family intact. So she chose not to breast feed, and to take meds shortly post my grand son's birth. The family totally supported her, but you cannot believe the crap I've had to listen to in the mean time. One woman actually told me my daughter in law would never bond properly, since she didn't breast feed. She may not have, had we not had modern science in our corner. And what about those, like my brother and his wife, who adopt? Are you supposed to explain all of this to every nit wit out there who wants to tell you how to feed your baby? I'll tell you this. He and his wife bonded so quickly with that baby it was amazing, and now she's a high school choir teacher. The formula worked just fine.
I feel as though I'm going to suffer from postpartum depression. I already suffer from a plethora of mental problems and I hate children. I feel as though I wont love my baby because I am so detached from humanity. I have no family either. I just feel like I'd look at it and think "why am I supposed to love you? we can't communicate yet, and you're just so useless". That may sound cold, but I'm really concerned this will be how I feel when (if) I ever have a child.