I've read this on your own site, but as a fellow Borderline Personality Disorder-sufferer, I will rec the SHIT out of this. :]

I understand this.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II for many years, but recently I've wondered about BPD.  I notice many of the earmarks in my behavior and thinking.

I hope, some way, that you can find a treatment that will help you have a more stable and peaceful life.

I suffer from it... and for a long time it really ran my life.
THEN. I accepted that there's something wrong with me. I understand that there are always going to be things I can't control... but taking an extra second to stop and recognize the fact that I'm suddenly convinced X is going to leave me or that I suddenly feel desperate to spatter my brains on the wall because there's something WRONG with me... rather than because it's real... and it allows me to make better choices and not fuck things up or lash out at him, ect.

I have BPD as well, among other things. It does make it hard with relationships sometimes. I try to be as open as I can. Like I've told my boyfriend what things I need him to say and what things not to say or things that he needs to make clear to me. And if I think I may have taken something the wrong way or start to question his feelings, I make sure that I ask him. 
With friends I try to ask them why they said this and what they meant by it etc. Usually its me taking things the completely wrong way and all I need is for them to explain it further.
I dont know thats just me, I just think a few awkward questions/telling them that I am angry or upset at something they said or did is better then losing friends forever, hope that helps. Good luck

The only advice I have, which might not seem like much, is to find a way to afford therapy. My mother has BPD now and is completely alone. I haven't spoken to her in over 5 years because of how she treated me. Had she gotten some help BEFORE she was too old then maybe it could have helped her but she's basically past that point now.

The earlier you seek help, the better. From what I've observed as a daughter to a BPD mother, it ONLY gets worse...

Having BPD and still struggling with it, I can understand your
pain/frustration/torment. There's a self-help book I bought, and it's
pretty much the same shit we go over in group therapy. The only thing
about getting a self-help book, is that you need to be more on top of
yourself and do more "homework". Won't have a professional to explain
some terms, but with the internet now, you can find pretty much all the
answers you need.

In regards to being hopeless - I know there are
TONS of sites out there that spew a lot of shit on how BPD people will
NEVER change or are hopeless, but not everyone with BPD is in the same
situation or severity, and even with that, it's always in YOUR power to
change. I know it's discouraging to read all that, but look on youtube!
Look up the user MeAndMyBlackTable - dude has BPD and gives tips on how
to manage your symptoms, as well as helping you understand the disorder.
There's also speculations of BPD being, well, a disorder of the
childhood. From my personal experience, I think this is applicable to
me, but do you find yourself with unresolved past issues stemming from
your early years?

If you ever need someone to talk to, reach out!
I know how you feel. As someone with BPD, I have improved. I'm not
perfect, but I really am less impulsive, struggle with the feelings of
emptiness, but definite improvement esp the more aware you are of this
issue.

Don't play into the "you can't recover from BPD stuff" it's just like they say you can't recover from eating disorders. I ignored that and I have no remnants left of my seven year eating disorder. Ignore what people say, they know crap. 

Have you visited your local (public) mental health clinic? Every city or town has one, though the names of the facility will vary from place to place. A quick internet search should yield the right results. Similar to local county health departments (except just for mental health) they can Not completely turn you away if you can not afford services. Some of them will offer services for free, or at extreme discounted prices. However, though your doctors/nurse appointment (and yes most of these nurses are qualified to prescribe psychotropic drugs) may be free, the prescription they give you will have to be paid for by you.

But just tell them that you really can't afford an outrageously expensive prescription and they should do their best to recommend the best/cheapest pharmacy to get it from. I used to get my meds from Kroger for about $10 (it was generic but it worked just the same, as the name brand med). One time I even got it for $4, but that was because I decided to only get 1 refill instead of 2 or 3. Some facilities even offer programs where you can get a limited (like only as much as you need for like a month or so) amount of prescription for FREE!!

One example is Johnson and Johnson- I say this because I did benefit from getting my meds free from Johnson and Johnson for a while. All it requires is paperwork, then the time to process the paperwork, which is pretty reasonable. You do have to keep coming back to get the medicine though, be mindful of your appointments because you don't want to run out and then have to wait too long for another appt just to get meds.

I will say this, don't go into your appt all blinged out wearing name brand this and name brand that! Just from a person to person standpoint, when you tell them you can't pay they are going to doubt you. Dress modest and plain. In my experience no county mental health is the best care, of course private practitioners should treat you better, but it's only temporary until you can afford better. Think of it that way, it's only temporary and it's better than nothing, better than suffering. Keep in mind that it may take 2 weeks or even up to 1 month before you can get your first intake appt. Be patient, and don't miss that first appt!! Wow who knew that being sick was such a responsibility- it's ironic lol. But it is a responsibility to be on time and set up and keep appts. I advise you to visit your local mental health to set up an appt because you can often get the run around on the phone which can be discouraging. Also, if you've physically visited the place once, at least you'll know what to expect when you return. One more thing when it comes to paperwork and finances, be smart about what you admit to. Of course you have to be honest about your salary/income, but if you do make more than what they consider indigent then be detailed in explaining the expenses you pay for monthly. 

Any disorder can be treated and tackled.Though the road is not an easy one. I do not have borderline personality disorder (not that I know of lol!), however I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Whenever I see BPD I think of bipolar, but it's good to know more about what borderline personality disorder is. Good luck!

@raspbxrrryjam@xanga - I have accepted there is something wrong with me, and I can usually shut down my thoughts triggered by bpd, but sometimes if I am super unhappy or extremely exhausted I can't control myself like that. My husband and I have talked about bpd a lot throughout our whole relationship, but just recently we are both trying to notice what he will do or what I will do that sets me off. One of my big things is if he is gone somewhere besides work or school and I haven't heard from him in hours and can't get a hold of him I will think he has driven off the road and died. It takes all my strength not to get in my car and go look, especially because we live in the mountains and there are some huge drops and hills on the way to our house, but i have to remind myself that if something did happen to him I would be notified and that he probably just has his phone on silent. One step at a time I guess

@bmillerssailor@xanga - I have received help for it, among my other mental issues before. I have been to long term inpatient treatment twice, and continuing therapy for years after that. Until my insurance ended. Even the discount programs around here I cannot afford. We literally can't pay our bills or buy enough groceries/gas each month, so I can't just find a way to pay for therapy. I'm sorry you had to deal with a mom with bad bpd. That is part of the reason I have chosen not to have kids personally.

@dancingrain4u@xanga - very true. It seems the relationships I end up having long term with friends/my husband are all very strong people and supportive luckily, but I don't have a plethora of close friends

@SoulxSearching@xanga - I have done inpatient treatment before, and I worked as a nurses aide for the last four years, so I know most of the medical jargon fairly well. I should go get a couple self help books, I just assume a lot of them say the same things that self help websites on the internet do for free. I have been changing myself even within the last few weeks. I quit my job which was long overdue, because it was tearing me and my marriage apart. I know that bpd comes from childhood experiences, and I don't necessarily have unresolved issues, but from the time I was 5-17 my brother was an extreme meth addict. In and out of rehabs, jails, hospitals. Stole my car, stole from my parents. We even planned his funeral it got so bad. So I honestly think that just growing up with that is what caused mine. Even though he is clean now, I can't just forget the past as it is a part of who I am. My impulsiveness used to be MUCH worse than it is now. I used to not be able to hold down a job or a relationship at all, but now I have been with my husband for over 3 years, just quit my job of 3 years. It seems relationship stability and stability in the rest of my life go hand in hand

@Perpetual_Disgrace@xanga - That sounds great actually. I have never liked regular therapists much, just because I feel like they feign the caring aspect just because they are getting paid to listen. do you have to be a student at the college to participate? How would I find out about something like that? 

@saritalagringadyke@xanga - Thanks for the advice, I will definitely get those books. I have heard of the "I hate you, don't leave me" one before, so it must be good. I have found a few cheap clinics but I wouldn't mind finding a free support group of sorts. Thanks for the response, and I am glad I spoke out because the support on here has been overwhelming. I published this blog on my own xanga a couple weeks ago before I submitted it to health kicker and the response was overwhelming. I think more people with bpd should speak out so it isn't as unheard of or confusing. Apparently asdeadasitgets thinks it means I am on the border of having a personality, so clearly it is a pretty non talked about problem