Wednesday, 07 November 2012
I have Borderline Personality Disorder. This isn't new news. I was diagnosed a loooong time ago.
I have tried meds here and there, nothing worked for me. BPD used to be a much bigger problem for me, until I met my husband, and now I have been "stable" for awhile.
But lately, like this whole year, BPD is taking over my life, ruining my happiness, and destroying my husband's happiness too.
It is very hard, almost impossible, for people with BPD to have long term, healthy, happy relationships. The partners get tired of being devalued and torn down. They get tired of being yelled at and put down. Everything online and in books says that people with bpd will never get better. So why should a normal person be expected to stay with someone that puts them through hell? How am I supposed to feel secure in my marriage when most marriages with a BPD person don't last? How am I supposed to think I am not broken and completely f^@ked up when I am the one with the BPD?
BPD is -
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
- They either love or hate you and it can change in an instant
- Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
- Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
- Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
I have been free from cutting for a long time, but lately I have been wanting to do it very badly. But I haven't. I have a horrible fear of my husband leaving me,
even though I know he never would unless things get so bad that it is damaging him. I have no self esteem what so ever. I am horribly impulsive and often regret things I do whether it be hair, tattoos, things I say. I have intense anger and outbursts for no reason. I cut friends out of my life at the drop of a hat for pissing me off too bad or hurting my feelings badly.
Basically my BPD is ripping apart my life, and I don't know what to do. I can't afford therapy. I can't afford the multiple therapy sessions it would take to get a good combo of meds. I have no friends to talk to about this because my friends don't talk about anything intense, and anytime I try they basically say cheer up things will get better. Which doesn't f^cking help it just makes me feel guilty and stupid for feeling how I do. I cannot help the way I feel. I can't just turn it off and have everything be better and it would be really f^cking great if I had some friends to talk to about it.
I would like to get to a point where BPD doesn't bother my life. I am tired of mistreating my husband. I am tired of hating myself and everything I do, say, or think. I am tired of hating the things I say as I say them and not being able to stop myself. I am tired of hurting everyone around me and being f^cking insane.
I need help. I NEED HELP. I really don't know how much more I can say. I need some f^cking therapy and medicine. But that isn't an option right now so disappear internally I will.
Can you help? Do you suffer from BPD? Share your inspiration and advice in the comment section below.